In Life's name, and for Life's sake

Of price and pain, of change and friendships

2009-09-16T20:54:00.001+08:00

It’s sad when people don’t care the way they should.

I’m CANOOOOEING in the rain…

2009-09-16T20:46:00.001+08:00

Johno and I went canoeing today. And it rained. And it was super tiring… Luckily there was no sun at all, so could canoe without feeling that fatigued.

Something someone said to me bears repeating here though.

It’s like losing them again and again everyday; every goodbye reminds you of that final goodbye, every ‘see you’ is a mockery of the reality that you will never see them again. You hope and you wish and you pray that you’ll stay best friends forever, but look, that’s not what happened to you. When you leave, you’re giving something up, and this is just part of the price you have to pay.

There’re alot of private mushy things added after this, so I can’t repeat them here, but essentially that’s the gist of the message.

I’m already hating school because of this.

It is NOT funny… -.-

2009-09-11T21:31:00.001+08:00

It has taken around 4 months, but this blog is finally dead enough for me to re-start blogging here. :D

Alot has happened in the 4 months I’ve been gone. The medical checkup is longggg gone, as I have been so brutally reminded when I checked up on this blog. Lenny has started this really funny blog too, at www.onlyhearthelennard.blogspot.com . I guess you have to know the context, but it IS kinda good…

We’ve also ran through the whole gamut of music major’s recitals. And they’re in Vienna right now actually. Coming back tomorrow, if everything goes as planned.

I’ve also lost alot of enthusiasm for school. Though that’s something that’s started since the beginning of this year… Probably because I’ve sort of lost interest in Astro, and lessons are spread out like those raindrops on the bus windows, so you don’t see as many of your friends as often as you’ll like to.

I’ve just received a comment that my music playlist is gay. Yes, some fat-ass disrupting my music to scroll through my current playlist just said so. I guess it’s a convincing argument, I just checked and every song on it’s sung by a guy. Seriously, I think it’s kinda weird, cause my playlist is TOTALLY random -.- . I better add some Britney Spears and Pink inside though… You can’t listen to music very well if you have a 173cm imp trying to rap “it’s gay” into your ear.

On a more serious note, it’s the year where people actually turn 18! Which equates to the year where rich people start to learn driving! Which also means I get insanely jealous and wish I had more money… *kills learner drivers*

I wanted to go canoeing today. It started raining. Guess what happened next…

However, I instead had the bright idea of going to Orchard to walk aimlessly around. Seriously. What’s worse is that I actually went to do that. What’s even scarier is that I went to do that all alone. ALONE. With no one else! I was this desperate loner trawling the super wet streets alone, and I got splashed on by a bus! Like wet from waist to knee.

Theo is still wondering how the hell that happened.

I squished my way back home after a totally fruitless attempt to dry myself off in some random toilet at plaza sing, and I went to walk around my estate abit. When the rain stopped I was feeling lonely and unwanted and missing bits of my past, so I decided to find them (find the missing bits, you see? the missing bits of my past… yeah not very funny D:) by bussing to Temasek.

If there was anyone in the school compound, I must have freaked them out. I think the guard was ready to shoot me or something. There I was, standing there like some stalker at the school fence, trying to peer in and re-living the times I had there. I guess I stood there for at least 15 mins. Well, that’s not all. On some strange whim, which probably was some ghost subconsciously whispering to me I walked all the way home, re-living the past all the way. Basically I walked past Alain’s and Kela’s place, then cursed at the ChaiChee school building (in my mind, I’m not suicidal) for always tying up seats on the bus, then walked past Huiting’s place and bought chocolate from the minimart… Stuff like that. Well, I got caught up with “re-living” that I forgot I was actually living and almost got knocked down crossing the road near the Park Connector.

Guess what happened after that. Well the quick version is that I survived everything and went home, but that won’t do on a blog like this, right? Let’s number the events that happened after this, cause things happened really fast.

1. After jumping out of the way, I landed in a puddle. For the second time in a day, I got wet.

2. Stood there and cursed cause I had to wash my nice TEVA slippers again. Which was also MISTAKE 1.

Note: spending time in puddle = not smart. spending time in puddle at side of road crossing 10 metres from a bus stop = death sentence for clean clothes.

3. Bent down to wipe water droplets off my shins.

Note: Again, spending time in puddle = stupid.

4. Bus passed at high speed. I leave this to your imagination, but it suffices to say I got a literal faceful of water.

DO NOT LAUGH. ESPECIALLY AT THE NEXT LINE.

5. Stood there dripping wet. Wiped off water from glasses, cursed louder and stamped foot. Got even wetter.

I will never walk along a road after a rain again.

This wouldn’t have happened if it didn’t rain, cause I would have been happily canoeing. Therefore, I blame everything on the weather. Accursed weather…

ECP

2009-05-04T21:57:00.001+08:00

Went to the library today. With raddy. Studied abit of Bio. And abit of Math. Hahahas, didn't get much done, but still...

I wanted to go to ECP to eat, but in the end we went to this Aston's place. There's nice food there, but it's a little ex. Like 8 dollars for a main dish (chicken/steak/whatever), and 2 side dishes, and a drink. So it's all right I guess, its even cheaper than Macs.

Then I went to East Coast to get a coconut. In the end I took the coconut to the sand and just sat there for awhile. Then decided to slowly walk home. The coconut is surprisingly light after you suck all the water out. So now I have this coconut at home, next to me on the desk. It still looks kind of dirty, but I guess that's fine. It's as clean as I can get it now. I feel kind of sad for it. It had its head cracked open and its brains sucked out. And it floated for so long hoping to germinate or something, then kena caught and eaten. Haizz...

Life is hard when you don't have people around you. When you don't have your best friend by your side, always. When all you have are your thoughts, sad songs, last episodes of cartoons, and nothing new seems to be forthcoming. When you don't have any food left in the house, and when you've run out of chocolate and ice cream and fruits. When you probably can never have anyone over. When you find yourself making things up to keep yourself from killing yourself. When all you're doing is waiting for days to pass so that good times can come again. When you know that what you're feeling is probably just a phase, just something you're gonna get through, and you know it cause it's happened before and all, but right now you just can't believe it. When you look at the world, and see nothing but it's potential to go horribly wrong. When you see your future, and see nothing at all. When you know you can do so much more, but not right now. When you cry for help, but no one answers.

Life is hard. Growing up is hard.

X-country

2009-04-30T21:27:00.001+08:00

There was cross-country today. Like had to go to MacRitchie at 7.45 in the morning. We were supposed to run, but in the end it rained for like half an hour, and they cancelled everything except the first 2 runs. So it was like boy's competitive and girls competitive (I think), then they just dismissed us at 9.50am.

We went to eat lunch then. The same meepok place near wenn's house. Then went to his house to slack off. I played with Dalton awhile, then wenn took out his guitar hero set. Then played until crazy le. Like 4 hours or something spent there, from 11 something to past 3. Kinda crazy right...

Now I have a sore throat, because I used the microphone to sing like for 3 hours straight, ate a ton of absolutely great blueberry muffins that Aaron's mum made, and ate abit of the salsa chip thingies. And had 7-up to drink. Then I had a headache going home. I think I was too enthusiastic in singing. Then strained everything, like my voice, my head... Or maybe it's swine flu o.O.

Anyways, I think guitar hero is really cool now. And I haven't enjoyed myself so crazily since... Hmm a very long time I guess. Like just going crazy over some little thing, then partying until my head actually hurts, and I actually hurt myself (my sore throat). I think the last time I had this was at the hostel disco thing. Then, I danced until I was sweating in aircon, and my feet hurt, and I seriously couldn't move the next morning in hostel.

I'm happy that I can still have this kind of fun though. I think as NUSHS students, it's hard to find this kind of fun. Or the people actually willing to participate and help it along. Like either there's homework, an exam, a test, or something else to do which stops us from just going crazy. Either that, or somehow people just don't want to do it. Which I think is lame.

I don't understand how people can not want to play. And I don't get why people need structured play. Like an itinerary. Or like we have to come up with some sort of ideas how to have fun before they will actually bother to even think about it.

I mean yeah, sometimes if you don't plan properly things just turn out to be a flop, but I don't think that's a good reason to just not have fun and forget everything else. Haizz. Like it's already so difficult to find people to just go out with, and play around in the shopping centre or something.

I guess alot of people just stop being crazy. Like I don't see alot of people in JC's laughing at some weird random thing anymore. It's like some kind of curse.

Which reminds me; we saw a squirrel today. Outside wenn's house. I was walking with Johno, Jack and Charmaine, behind everyone else, then they said there was a squirrel on the tree. So I went to the tree to look at it, and it ran up the tree. Then Johno said to kick the tree, and the squirrel just ran higher and higher on a branch. Then it suddenly jumped off. We thought that it was going to like jump for the other tree next to it, but apparently it was a failure squirrel. It sort of flew abit, the just dropped like 2 storeys, or around 5m maybe? Then it was like thud, on the grass patch. Like super shocking la. All 4 of us were like omg. Then laugh like shit as it ran away up the other tree. It was only just outside wenn's house, like along the road, where got trees and grass patches. Lucky the squirrel didn't fall on the road la. If not sure die le. But damn scary la. It like just dropped, the got a thud somemore. But it wasn't like stunned or what, it just landed then ran away. So I guess it was fine XD.

Ah wells. I wonder what it would have done if Dalton was there. I shall go sleep now. Lol.

CRRP talk

2009-04-14T21:48:00.001+08:00

It comes once a year, and yesterday was the last time they'll be talking to us. Ever. Kinda scary once you think of it like that. 3 years have passed so quickly, and the fourth is a third of the way through. Ah well...

We talked about alot of things though; what's wrong with the school, what you think could be improved, what's your best subject, what you enjoy the most... But the weirdest question was what would you most remember or basically take away from this school. At least that was what I thought the question was.

It's weird, the way I've ended up here. Took a test, went for a camp, got a letter. I guess I decided on impulse then; Forensic science was wayy too fun, maybe. Either ways, I found myself starting a new life somewhere far away...

If you're thinking it's an exaggeration, well, it's not. Since whenever I've been going to a school that's around 5 bus stops maximum away? And then I had to travel halfway across the island to get to school. Not only that, I suddenly wasn't able to go to malls after school, or slack off before going home, and still have still to do homework or stuff. I guess the first problem was the people; not many of us live in a single area, and if you're spread out like that, it's hard to find a common place to hang out where's it's comparatively near everyone else. Secondly, no one really goes and loiters at McDonalds in this school. It's a basically go home mug/computer/sleep kind of school.

Thirdly, I didn't have time to even think about hanging out somewhere before heading home. If I "hung out" anywhere, it means home at 8 or 9pm. Which is kind of retarded, really.

Anyways, with this sacred time now totally different, changed and mostly interrupted, I started life in NUS High.

I really don't know how I survived those first few days... It's hard to leave friends behind, and I found myself really irritated by the fact that they could still be together. Yet, it was still my choice, said something in the back of my head.

Over the years, I've thought of many things; I regretted coming here, I regretted leaving, I hated this school, I loved studying what I love, I thought of leaving the school in Year 4... yet right now, from where I stand, I guess I can clearly see what has always kept me here, despite everything that went wrong, or felt wrong.

First of all, was my friends. The people that I meet here will always be a part of me, whether at NS, at work, or if I end up teaching their kids or something like that. I realised in Year 4 that if I left then, I would be starting a weird trend of having 2-year friendships. In a sense that I would be spending full-time with the same group of people for only two years each time; from Sec 1-2, Year 3-4, JC 1-2. And I didn't want that, because I felt it would dilute so many friendships. And evidently, that was one of my greatest pulls keeping me here.

I guess I was also lucky in having really great teachers here. Not that I didn't have great teachers in Temasek, of course I did. But another of the great pull factors which kept me here were the teachers from NUS High.

We were very fortunate to have gotten such a great combination of teachers. When we first stepped into this school, I had a mentor; obviously his name was (is still?) Mr David Ng. I don't know what to say about him, but I know he is one of the most inspiring people I've ever met. Or at least adults. Well, he's also the only mentor in the cohort to have stayed with us the longest XD. Our mentor group was the most (I would obviously assume, some of you might say) united and basically the best, mainly because of him. (Unlike now). It was always easy talking with him, whether in person or on MSN (and who would forget how we found his MSN in the first place...). He made life a lot easier for me, and frankly I was devastated when he left. It's like the earth moving below you, get it...?

Moving on, I guess he had to too. At least we have the dubious honour of having the class with the longest single mentor reign. So there. XD

We had teachers like Ms Seah, Ms Teo, Mr Ang, Ms (Step) (Sharon)Tan (Ee Ling), Mr Lee, Mr Chia, Mr Tang, Mr Tham, Ms Lee, even Prof Lai; (after typing this I realised alot of them aren't Mr or Ms anymore. And it's not that they got married) all who we could talk to or at least felt we were equal to them. Whatever the reasons, they were willing to lower themselves to our level and just take the time to know us, or chat with us personally... even if the conversations were kind of meaningless or time-wasting in themselves. And all these people have been instrumental in my life, in one way or another, and have one way or another, helped me pull through and still be here right now.

Of course, you might be wondering where a certain person that's supposed to be on the list is. I thought him meaningful enough to me to have his own paragraph (again, not as if the others were not meaningful to me... -.- I hate having to do this; it's retarded and it makes life difficult for everyone. But I think it's sort of mandatory nowadays unless you wish to be sued for something. It's terrible the way people can manage to misconstrue something that you say. It's like being told you can't say you're normal because if you're normal, it implies that someone else is "abnormal" and that's politically incorrect. I mean, isn't it stupid. Because of your hypersensitivity to innocent phrases, you take it as your personal mission or something to get everyone to stop using "politically incorrect" words. Actually, I think it's more like whenever someone uses words like smart or normal or "good adjectives" to describe you you just feel guilty because you automatically associate you being "normal", with others (disabled/impaired whatever or otherwise) being "abnormal". So to solve your guilt problem and your shame at automatically and unconsciously making that connection, you take it upon yourself to force others to call the disabled/impaired/whatever person or thing by another ridiculously ungainly term, so that others may soon follow and develop your psychosis; hypersensitivity to a word which accurately describes a condition. Let me tell you, calling a piecemeal function "linearly impaired" isn't going to change a fact that it's not a straight line, or it's broken, or it's bent. It's probably going to insult him that you're seemingly trying to cover up his illness or condition with a smoke screen, or give it less importance, or even downplay it. Just tell it straight as it is; the only time you should be moderating your words is if it has the potential to hurt others. Don't smoke because you can. Anyways, on to the real story... -.-)

After that long paragraph, here we go back to the beginning again. Obviously, things started at year 3. Joining astro was probably the best thing that happened to me. Not only was it great fun in Years 3 and 4, but I had the privilege to have a great teacher guiding me throughout 3 years there. Of course, it's Mr Lim. I learned alot from him. Not just astro things like lens cleaning, though there was a lot of those. Not even just how to be a good leader, even though there were many of those lessons as well, formal or otherwise. The only words I have to put it in is that he inspired me to do things. In things like IR, or CCA, competitions, planning for Astro sessions, just being a good person... I've learned alot. But because of him, I finally settled on some goal in life (which I'll probably talk some other day, because it's getting late now). And if I had known this would happen when I first came here, I think I would have done it with much less hesitation.

Well, you may notice that many of those teachers above have left, which kind of says something about the school.

However, I realised after all that talk about teachers and such, I haven't talked about the other great reason why I'm still here. I think I'll leave it for tomorrow. It is getting late, but luckily I don't have school tomorrow. Still, I want to sleep early. Get a chance to mull over what I'll do tomorrow.

Rock climbing

2009-04-05T21:15:00.001+08:00

Was fun. Yet too bad the place isn't airconed. They closed down that spot le, then the instructor shifted to Toa Payoh Safra. Super far away, and I got lost trying to find the place.

I went to school at 730am yesterday morning. And the day before was ODAC, Astro/The Sound of Music until 10 something. So yes I had a terrible Friday/Saturday long day.
If you're wondering why I went to school at such an unholy hour on such a nice day to sleep in (-.-), I had astro to do. Had to brainwash poor P5 people to join the school. Or the Einstein club, something like that. Like give Observatory tour and talk and all that. Long time never do le, so it was kind of a refresher course.

I went there in the morning, and turns out they were doing rehearsal. And I had to be in FORMAL. So I daoed there and played Patapon 2 until like 10am, when they started. Then worked till almost 1, changed and begun my pilgrimage to the Safra place.

I reached there at around 230 or 3, and stayed there for about 2 hours? Or one and a half hours. Climbed twice, and didn't get to belay at all D: In the end it rained, so we were dismissed and everyone else got their Level 1 climbing certification. Great for them.

I slowly made my way home, and collapsed on my bed. Woke up this morning feeling sick. Like really sick. Went to watch TV, but then fell asleep in front of it and didn't go to church -.- And on Communion Sunday somemore.

Anyways, now I think I'm better. I've been feeling cold the whole day, and I bet it's a fever, but I'm trying to fake myself that it's because of the rain.

The S Rajarratnam Lecture thing is on Thursday, and they replied my RSVP to say I've gotta go there at 3 (half hour earlier), IN MY BLAZER. So a big OH NO to it. I'm gonna see if anyone else is borrowing a blazer. If not, then we'll see what to do. D:

Tomorrow's gonna be a hiong day again. English (zzz. I'm betting 2 dollars that she asks us to "go home and think this through", or give us homework, or simply irritate us with take home stuff.), then Stats presentation, which we HAVEN'T STARTED ON!! Then another round of Calculus. Then there's Lit, and luckily there's no ODAC.

I think Tuesday is going to be even worse la; it's retarded that Tuesday was actually my earliest day (finish at 10am), to finishing at 6pm (AP Bio training). Like now I have English, then Math extra Calc lessons to make us pass the APs with a 5, then now extra Bio lessons. Can't they just let the Bio honours people have their AP prep on Fridays in lieu of the Bio slot? And it's at 4-6pm, smart la. Or was it 2-4pm? Something like that la. After that, we still have Calculus extra extra lesson, to go through the horrible test and do another quiz (which is 50 minutes long. What kind of quiz is that??)

So from tomorrow onwards the week will be hell. On Wednesday, it takes Friday's timetable. So ODAC as usual, together with Lit and the whole host of stuff that comes on Friday. Then Thursday is (luckily!)just chemistry and Calc (again, yes I know....)

Friday is Good Friday. Good is good, but I think it could be better. The school has a talent for scheduling things to make sure you have no holidays, less breaks, more lessons, etc. After this week, the next is AP mock exams. So that means studying. And after that, it's another Bio AP mock, then the real things start. So it's more like from next week onwards, we'll be fully in exam mode. All the way until like halfway through May. And come to think of it, it ends half of our last year here. Time passes really fast when everything is crashing down on you.

Ah well. I shall go to sleep. 7th April is coming soon...

GOLD

2009-04-02T23:05:00.001+08:00

It's nice to finally get something you were worrying so much about to go your way. I passed the 2.4 run with 11.55 minutes, which gives me a C at age 17. Which means I get a GOLD! And since I've gotten a gold 3 years in a row, I get a SUPER GOLD! Lucky lucky me. ZZZ.

I spent some time in the Physics Demo lab yesterday. It's so fun la. And I forgot to return the papers to the lab tech. Hahas sorry YH. lol. They were labelling all the little toys with little stickers, and we couldn't find some of them. Like we didn't know what was what for some of them.

I paid 10 bucks to watch the concert on Friday. Aaron owes me alot of drinks now. And I get to miss astro too. That's gotta be good for attendance. And I have ODAC tmr, for doing sets for those late forms people. *sighs. And there's that weird P5 people coming on Saturday, and we've got to brainwash them into joining the school. And I've got to be in school by 730am IN FORMAL UNIFORM on SATURDAY to brainwash them. Until 1230. Then Ill head on down to Toa Payoh Safra, which I don't know where it is, and go rock-climbing. At least that will be fun. LOL.

I'm panicking about NS medical, and anyone who says anything about it will be strangled by me. Seriously. Please don't. It's scary enough. Hmm.

I thank God for that Gold though. 5 seconds away, and He pulled me through. Whoo. *Noticed that God is one letter away from Gold **filed that thought under "important but not particularly urgent. check back in a year's time."

Procrastination

2009-03-28T19:45:00.001+08:00

I'm so obviously doing this now because I have English Jian Bao to do. Hahahas. Like 3 or 4 more, I'm not very sure how many we're supposed to have in total. Then there's Lit too. Haizz. Super lazy to do anything la.

I've been watching Wild at Heart on Hallmark lately, and I've decided I want exactly that life. It's so cool, getting to find animals and stuff. Maybe I won't run a hotel, but I think it'll be really fun to be able to just live there, and see that amazing sunrises and sunsets, and all the great animals there. And I'll run a zoo or some sort of animal shelter thing, just to be able to keep animals. It's so super cool la. I don't think I'll be a vet though; maybe I'll be some kind of teacher and pick up some kind of conservationist or ecologist or zoologist skills. Enough to let me play around with animals XD.

Anyways, I had so many things to sign today; Astro camp on 17th June, ODAC rock-climbing next Saturday... I got invited to the S Rajaratnam Lecture. I don't know what it's going to be like exactly, but it's on the 9th of April, Thursday, and theres a reception afterwards, so I guess it'll be fun. And we'll get to see Mr Lee Kuan Yew talk. So, at the very least it's bound to be interesting. Now just got to figure out how to get there. And what to wear. It says Lounge suit but I've never been in a lounge before. Nor worn a suit. So it's kind of scary. I just thought they'll ask us to borrow blazers and that would be it. And I'm going with Mel and Zuxin, so it's not like I can just ask another guy what he's wearing. Gahh....

The Tioman trip is coming along nicely; we got some nice agency people who can make the price go down from 200+ to 150 +. So it's not bad at all. Now if simply getting the people to confirm their slots would be just as easy... It's probably going to be held on the 23-26 of June, inclusive of both dates. So it's actually a 4D3N thing, taking into account the first and last days will be mostly travelling there and back. For 4 days, around 160 dollars, probably (and hopefully) inclusive of breakfast and dinner... I think it's really great. I hope alot of people can make it though. I can understand if some have work, or are already on holidays. Some are just not interested, and that's fine I guess. Some can't afford it, some parents don't allow it, others may decide not to go because of other commitments or last minute changes to their schedule.

However, I think there's one ridiculous excuse not to go; "because I want to go out with my gf/bf". I think that's the stupidest excuse anyone can give for any event in general. I mean, how many times in your life can you just drop everything and take a holiday with friends? And how many years of your life will you be spending with that wife/husband or whatever? You going to be able to spend the rest of your life with that guy or girl, versus the few more years with your friends; well to me it's kind of clear cut who I should be spending time with right now. It's not wrong to want to spend time with anyone in particular; but I hate the fact that people become so obsessed or in love or whatever with one person they neglect everyone else and place them in second place. As friends, we're not going to have alot of time left together; as a girlfriend or boyfriend, you have a chance of spending the rest of your life together.

Anyways, after that lonnng part on irritating people...

I hope next week I can pass the stupid 2.4 for NAPFA. Retarded; I can get like As for everything but I'm gonna fail because of the 2.4. I can't believe it, it's so totally unfair. zzz.

Haizz. As far as things go, I've run out of excuses to make to put off doing my English any longer. Maybe I'll do 2 today, and the last one tomorrow. Whoo...

CANOEING ROCKS! WHOO

2009-03-17T20:19:00.001+08:00

Yeahh! LOL. Damn fun today. And I barely ache at all. I guess everything will start coming tomorrow.

We went canoeing around the whole basin for like the whole afternoon. Was supposed to start at around 10, but it was raining. So sad la at first. Then miraculously, it stopped raining. And the sun came out. And birds started singing. So we went to canoe. YAY. Johno and me went to eat lunch first though. Chicken rice. Then he kope the cup from the chin chow auntie and later used it to bail water. Supposedly. In the end he only used it to splash water at me. Evil person. Then fill my boat with water slowly. And throw fish at me. Evil smelling fish. Damn ass... Poor dead fishy.

Tomorrow going to watch show I think. In the afternoon. Kinda weird cause I thought I would be busy on Wed but now I'm not, then Gel asked me to go watch movie oso. Lol.

Hopefully I don't get sick or something. I think I'm coming down with something le. I wanna canoe another day actually. Hahahas.

Back to blogging

2009-03-14T21:46:00.001+08:00

Hmm... I haven't blogged in a long time, so I thought I'll take 15 minutes to type a short post. XD

Alot has happened in almost a month; it's the March holidays the whole of next week. Sometimes I can't believe school is going to end so soon; it's 1/4 of the way through already. The seniors came to talk to us about army on Thursday, and it scared me slightly. Like we won't know anybody at all in army, and the chances of even getting to be in the same unit as anyone else you know is so slim. And we won't ever see some people again; girls are going to Uni or even overseas, and it'll be so hard to meet up. It'll be like changing school all over again, and sometimes no matter what people say I can't shake the "badness" from it. I ca't believe it's actually happening.

Apart from that depressing thought, I got my 1-star! FINALLY RIGHT! It's like I'm totally not fated to get it, I tried for the course like a few times before this but all failed for some reason or another; whether it was me getting sick or having things which clashed and made me unable to go, it always seemed to try to purposely kill my chances. Then, even when they gave out my cert, they spelled my name wrongly. It's some kind of weird sign saying I shouldn't take 1-star qualification. When I canoe with CG and Johno on Tuesday I think I'll be extra careful. In case I drown or something like that. Or get swept out to sea. Or get banged by some boat. Hmm... Or eaten by a jellyfish. Or poisoned by a stonefish. Or get a cut on my foot in the sand and develop and infection and die painfully and slowly from it. Or get so burned by the sun that I get third degree burns, then slowly die from them too. Or when the doctor tries to do a skin graft, then some clip or IV line slips out then I die. Hmm.... I wonder how I'll die now.

Well, I'm currently aching quite badly, still sunburned from a week ago and somehow really tired even though I sleep early and wake late. I really won't be surprised if I have some sort of disease. Probably fatal disease. I hope I recover in time to go for canoeing. Thursday and Friday all got physical stuff, cause the timetable kena changed; Wed and Thur changed around.

On Monday we're going to help Mr Lim with the astronomy module; Tuesday and Thursday is canoeing, and I just found out that Friday there's Prom comm meeting. So my holidays are about burned. Hopefully I can find time for homework, if not I'll be rushing everything in the first week of school. Luckily I'm done with the Bio Assignment nonsense.

Which reminds me. I'll talk about it in my next post. It's kinda retarded really, hahas. Anyways, I think I'll go sleep now. Tired le.

Thoughts on my life

2009-02-22T21:01:00.001+08:00

I wonder who reads this. Hmm.

I have decided I hate the 1-star course. I've been stressing out over when to take it (not really, it's just been bugging me), and who to find to take with me, because I'm so scared to take it myself that I can't bring myself to print out the damn form and call them up again.

I really hate this life sometimes. I wish I could just go off somewhere far away from people, with just like one or two of my friends and spend time with them. I've taken to sleeping the whole day today just to make the day go faster. And I'm going to do that for later tonight too. Immediately when I'm done with Lit, I'll just go to sleep. After packing everything for ODAC first, of course. Just thinking of PT made me groan. zzz.

Haizz. If I could I'll quit this school and travel around the world or something. Not for fun, but to find something I've lost. I'm so... weary of everything here. It's not boring, it's only tiring on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays or if I have a lot of work... but I think I've grown tired of what I'm doing all this time. It's not like I want to go to army sooner, or anything. But I want to just go away from all this nonsense and think things. Away from school and Astro and ODAC and everything.

Everything and everyone that used to make me look forward to coming to school is either gone, dead, or changed. So many teachers have gone, and they all seem to be the ones who are actually good. So many things about my CCAs have changed, and now that I've handed over Astro, it's like some midlife crisis thing; I have nothing to live for anymore. A few more weeks to help them clear up stuff, APs in a few months, a few more emails, 3 more terms of modules to get the stupid diploma... Then what? There's nothing left anymore. I don't even have an urge to get 1-star anymore, and that was something I have been looking forward to in such a long time. Next, what? 2-star? Hah, I've given up on that dream. As well as being an OBS instructor. I don't even know if I want to take the physio modules anymore.

It's like slowly, throughout the course of my time here, I've been drained of everyone and everything I loved. I used to be able to rattle of long lists of Astro facts and various topics; now I can't even remember most of the facts about subatomic particles. I used to aim for Gold in Napfa, and feel really happy when I got 26 points. Now I don't think I can even get a pass. My pull-ups have become terrible, I have to try so hard to get to a double digit number. I'm angry at myself for being phail in everything, and getting angry at myself for being always angry and depressed, and getting angry over things and people for the stupidest reasons. I can't stand ODAC because of the noise in the room, and I'm starting to hate the sound of laughing, talking people every time I go for it. Everyone else is busy with other things, or other people, and I can hardly get a word in edgewise sometimes.

I can hardly bother about the A level results; I wouldn't be surprised if I failed. I guess a lot of things just don't matter alot to me already.

Theo misses...

2009-02-21T21:21:00.001+08:00

His Aaron. I wish we were still in hostel. I wish he didn't have Chinese. I wish he would be more free and have more time to play with me. D: Too bad none of those wishes will come true. Or when they do, it will be too late.

I wonder what Alain's doing in Australia. Suddenly I have this really strong desire to go back to Temasek to find people... Until I realised that even if I go back they won't be there anymore. I miss them a lot, and all the whiny lovesick songs on my playlist aren't helping either.

I can't believe I'm going to be 18 soon. Ben's already 18... Maybe I'll ask him to buy that Jolly Shandy thing for me. I wanna try it, but I think it'll taste sort of like mountain dew. Which now I have a craving for.

I wonder if Wenny can come with me to do my 1-star. I very scared to go myself.

I miss Sylvie too. All the random things in Lit class. Like doing those funny drawings for Ms Koh. And only she and Celine could draw... And how she'll get off the train at Cheenatown. Or at Outram la, cause she lives at Cheenatown.

I want to donate blood on my birthday. Johno says he's coming but I think he may forget. He forgot to fix my toaster for like... EVER. Poor toasty... At least now I'm very sure he can never start a fire in my room. He just won't stay on unless I'm pressing his toaster lever down, which means staring at him. So it's very safe. Maybe they should make all toasters like that. There won't be a single toaster fire next time.

I miss all the long days last time. When we came to school and there was the ring and we had so much fun, and we had an enemy (his/her name rhymes with "enemy"), and we slacked around, and a 2 hour break in the middle of our day was heaven, something coveted, and when we got it we were so happy and everything. When we would all wait for each other before making the great pilgrimage home, and Johno would get off the 196 bus, and we'll watch him walk off and never, ever, except once look back at the bus, and we'll all take up this huge area on the floor of the train and sit down, then stone until it was our stop.

I feel like I'm fighting demons floating around my head. My head feels heavy, I'm super tired yet sleeping does little to no help, I'm eternally depressed, from one thing to another. Life has made me sad. I won't be surprised if I find myself killing myself or something. *yawns*

I think I'll shower, and sleep now. It's getting kind of late, even though 96% of the people in my level will probably say otherwise.

IT'S LATE, PEOPLE! IT'S PAST 9! HOW IS THAT EARLY!? gah. *emos and falls asleep in tears*

Astro handover

2009-02-21T19:40:00.001+08:00

It's weird being the only ODAC member who doesn't have 1-star. Hmm...

And it feels weird to have handed over Astro le. It's fine cause it's all finally over and we don't have to be hounded by people or bothered to plan sessions or stuff like that, but it feels kind of lonely. And it's so different. I think we need to have a session where all the old EXCO members go out to eat. We did that yesterday night at Subway, but we weren't full strength yet. Mao and Josh and Ewin and the Year 5s weren't there, so it was kind of a small group. But it was still fun.

Oh, I won 20 dollars of adidas vouchers. Great huh. Anyhow go eat eat, then got some scratch and win thing. Then who knew really kena "Congratulations! You have won $20 worth of adidas vouchers! Please redeem your prize immediately at the counter."

I didn't even know at first la. Scratched it off a little bit with my nails, then saw congratulations. Then I was like cheh. Must be coke. Or chips, or a free meal or something. Then turned out it was adidas vouchers when I borrowed a coin to scratch it off fully. So amazing. Then went to redeem la. Now got adidas vouchers for dunno what. I rarely buy anything from adidas anyways hahas. Too expensive. So get ready for an influx of adidas presents from me. LOL.

We went back to the school afterwards; went to settle EXCO stuff. I need to send the new positions and all to so many people later on, and type emails and stuff. But who cares, really... We're done, and that's all that matters, I guess. Even though it's a little sad and all.

There's so much homework to do! There's Lit which is due on Monday. And I need to start doing English as well; that woman wants 4 or so more essays on newspaper stuff. Very irritating to do. Then there's the presentation too. And the results of the Math test will come back. SUPER SCARY...

I need to take 1-star by myself now. And I thought that when I finally took it I'll have like so many people taking with me. It seems like every time I try to take it something crops up. Sick, nobody going, stupid plans changing... ZZZ

Hmm I forgot I need to come up with the final workplan. I think I'll just do like a rough draft. It's irritating to keep changing things around.

I remembered something! We saw a three-legged cat. I think it was born without the fourth leg, because there isn't a stump or something. It's just like a normal cat, but without a leg. Yeahh. Poor cat. We miaomiao at it then it loped over. And like stone at us. Then we had to go back to school le, cause Astro starting le.

I think it's really irritating when everyone around you has a girlfriend. Last time it was fun going to school. Now it's damn sian. Always people busy or what. Or want to go out with gf. Or spend whole day jalan jalan. Zzz. Now very boring to go school le. Only go lesson, then ODAC then Astro. In between is eat only. Haizz.

A short post

2009-02-17T21:33:00.001+08:00

Is it supposed to be disturbing if you only feel truly joyful watching sitcoms? I've been watching The Nanny, The Simpsons, or the Fairly Odd Parents everyday for quite some time now, and recently it's only during these times in which I feel happy and can forget everything that's happened. Every other time there's like something hovering over me, and draining all my will to socialise and be happy and stuff. I'm sorry Johno if it's affecting my attitude or whatever at ODAC, but I hope you'll understand. And yes, I've reasoned it all out, and there's nothing that seems to be making me sad and all, and there's no reason for me to carry it over to CCA time, and in spite of anything that's happened, is happening or could happen, there's no use mulling over it or feeling sad, and after all that I know you'll try to say, I still feel sad. And that's just it I guess.

I have 80 years or so here. Therefore, I don't think little things like this matter a lot anymore. Hopefully, I won't even have to die XD

is happiness part of relativity too?

2009-02-15T22:32:00.001+08:00

I refuse to talk about ODAC.

Astro was fun. I need to get pictures from Kenneth first; I'll continue this post with all the pics attached.

Hmm. No pics for now. Kenneth left them in hostel, and no one is online yet. So I'll continue with the story XD

We rushed out to buy drinks and stuff cause it was so late already. Then met Tan Li on the way, which was lucky because it turned out there was so many things to carry. And I didn't even get to shower first. We bought ice and drinks and cups and tissue, then lug all the way back to school. Just in the nick of time, we finished everything. Started the attendance taking, then food. Rationed EVERYTHING. We have to get more Hawaiian pizzas. They go really fast.

We went abit crazy near the end of the party; we stacked all 24 boxes up on a table, and Mr Lim started pulling them out from the bottom. He did this twice, then Mr Wong, and I think Mr Tien. Then I tried it, and it actually worked! Hahahas. Then we had a 2 way pull-off, and it worked too! Amazing la, we were like on a roll. So we decided to try pulling out 4 at one go. But it failed miserably. I think there's a video of it somewhere. I have to find it later. We almost did it but in the end the thing collapsed. Sad right?

We cleaned up the place after that, and moved on to splitting them up into groups. Then played games while I walked around stoning. Too tired to play bah. Then dismissal; in the end, it was quite a short session. But it was fun. And it's still kind of sad that this is probably the last session we're going to plan. And we're going to graduate so soon. And yes, a year will pass really fast. That's one thing I've learned, from so many places; seniors and teachers, from Mr Lim to Eugene and Reiko.

One more year. And that's it. Yet I don't feel happy, or actually, after the initial sadness has worn off, I don't feel much at all. I guess I already feel detached from this school; after I drop astro it's just going to get worse. I think that's what I do; I cut ties early on so they hurt less in the end. Did I do this when I left TMS? Maybe. Actually, make that a probably so. My di thinks so too. When I went back to see Alain off, or just go for their celebrations of stuff, I just didn't feel connected anymore. I felt like just a stranger coming back and stalking some of them.

And that's the way I feel right now. I didn't feel like I belonged here since I came into the school; no matter how much I tried to distract myself with orientation in Yr 3, singing songs, trying to act hyper in games, or laughing at really lame and stupid things, being enthu for cheer, always going out in hostel, sleeping in other people's rooms, doing illegal stuff in the various hostel rooms, sneaking Mitch inside, cooking food, playing Maple, having people sleepover with me, fighting the system with every opportunity I got, trying to keep myself happy in spite of everything that's happening around me... It just didn't work. It just doesn't work. Deep down I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere; I wasn't a Temasekian anymore, I'm not bound anyway to this school or it's people. And no matter how many people, or how many times they told me that it'll be okay, or they'll be here for me no matter what, or that we'll keep in touch, or any promises they made; it never held a ring a truth in the words. I guess it's true that you're all alone in this world, despite anyone you meet, or any friends you make.

Right now, I don't feel like I could be as happy as before ever again.

WHY DO THINGS KEEP CHANGING!!

2009-02-12T21:35:00.001+08:00

Aaron changed my display picture today. He cam-whored himself and took a picture on my phone and put it as my wallpaper. It's quite a good photo though, so I think I'm going to keep it there. Now everytime I pick up my phone I have to think twice before I realise it is my phone and not someone else's.

I still have Lit to do. I can't believe I haven't done it la. Got mindmap and something else; I can't remember what so I can only do it in school tomorrow. Sucks.

At least there's no Math and ODAC tomorrow. So it's just Bio, then break till Lit, then break from 3-6.30 then Astro. Kinda a huge difference, because last week was the super-duper-uktra-hiong Friday, and now it's the I-have-alot-of-free-time Friday. Hmm...

*UPDATE AT 9PM*

EVERYTHING IS DRIVING ME NUTS!!!

I have to go for an extra PT session tomorrow because if not my attendance for Saturday won't be taken, even though it's not that I'm ponning the Saturday, I'm just taking it on another day. And I was planning to go out and buy stuff for astro welcome party, and spend the afternoon settling the schedule for the night session and the games and the groups. And I still have to draw up a workplan, which I'm starting to have ideas, and I have to get Josh and Mao to help do something now... And now I need to pack for ODAC and now Astro at night, and I don't have a towel, not to mention clothes. It's already 9, I'm so super tired and I still have English and Lit to do, and the worse thing is all these things aren't last minute! I can't believe I've been trying to do things early for once and things just keep piling up even more... I end up doing even more work than before.

I hate this la. I shouldn't have gone to ODAC on Monday in the first place; I leave Astro for one day and things get so screwed up, and it's under my name!!! And I thought like, oh, it's okay, I owe Johno for being like so pissy and emo alot of times at ODAC, and I feel so bad about ponning on Monday when it's a legit CCA compulsory day, so I went for ODAC instead of Astro. And now he just asked me to go for PT tomorrow, and I need to revamp my whole plan for tomorrow, finish up Chem, English, Lit and tomorrow there's gonna appear a Bio assignment. I really hope nothing's going to replace the Math session (cancelled), because now I need the time to plan for Astro, and if anyone else messes up my timetable, I'm sorry, I'm going to say NO. And yes, I'm going to pon it. Whatever it might be. I can't keep making compromises and changing my times around. I'm not Zhongming, or Bao, or kor, or whoever else who can spend the whole day in school and think nothing about it.

I've finished crying. I won't do English anymore, or Chem, or any homework tonight. I'll just pack for ODAC, and try to figure this out tomorrow. I can't function like kor, I don't go for extra PT sessions or Astro sessions or extra lessons because I think it's fun or on a whim. I can almost bet that something is going to crop up again tomorrow. I have a feeling I'm going to blow up at someone tomorrow. If not in the morning then at astro, or Bio, or in between Lit; or worse, in ODAC. I really hope that doesn't happen, I hope Johno doesn't shout at me, I don't know what I'll do.

Another thing I can't believe is that my trip is cancelled. What is the meaning of having to submit a proposal for a trip 6 months in advance. This is totally ridiculous, I don't even have any trips that ask me that far ahead! I don't care if it's from someone high up or what, the point is, I got that email, and I think someone is going to have to answer for it. HUHH. I HATE THIS SCHOOL!

I asked Jack to go out and buy food for astro early, but apparently he thinks he needs to come for ODAC too, because he didn't on Monday. So there's no one left to buy food now, cause we still need to plan for the party itinerary. And there goes my plan of eating out at NUS one last time. Great la. Astro is really eating up my life.

I think I've calmed down since just now, and now I'm thinking of whether to post this. It's so angry, and I've said so many things i would never say, EVER. I was going to edit this, but my di says it's better to just post it as it is. He came up with some reasons, like I'll probably look back on this one day and laugh, and that he wants to read what it says, and that anyways, speaking truth to power is never wrong, even though it might not always be right. It's strange to hear words like that pop up at me, through him. I was the one who taught him that. Together with "don't talk back to me" and "don't be a busybody". Anyways, thanks for the chocolate. It always helps to know that someone cares for me and loves me. I don't know what I'll do without you, k? So anyway, here goes nothing...

Ride of my life

2009-02-10T21:27:00.001+08:00

There's PE tomorrow. And I'm already kind of tired just thinking about it. Maybe that's what they mean by "riding the eddies of time"

I really don't feel like going for PE tomorrow. It's a good thing there isn't ODAC on Friday, I don't feel very well. Though it might be because of the chocolate I ate today. I think I need more.

I think I'll devote the rest of this post to someone who has helped me alot. And even though he's sometimes really evil I don't think I would be where I am today if not for him.

He's sat through like an hour or more of my calls for a time, once or twice or a few times. He can be really caustic and sarcastic and basically evil at times, but at certain moments... he can be really good to me. I don't know what I'll do if he wasn't here sometimes, but most of the time I wonder why I even know him, so... -.-

He jokes around alot, but he still has time to talk to me. Though he usually spends it bullying me. Yet I appreciate how sometimes he takes the time to answer my questions or entertain me. He sometimes plays games with me, but always quits them in like supersuper fast time. But it's still fun XD

Apart from that, he's still my korkor, no matter what happens. Even though he's really mean, he still bothers to cook soup for me, or buy bread in hostel. And it's these little things that I cherish most about him.

English class

2009-02-10T09:21:00.001+08:00

English is boring. Even with chocolate, it's still a chore to listen in class. And there's so much homework!!!

There's the stupid English essays and stuff like that, and we haven't even started on the lame Economist. Well, I'm going to tear out the nicest page in that magazine, and throw away the rest I guess. It's such a waste of money, especially if you're forced to buy it. Retarded. Also, there's the English project coming up. We have the emergency pack too. And apparently, a one page essay on why the emergency pack is needed. Which I'm obviously not going to do.

We're talking about McDonaldization now. Kind of a stupid argument. People are so resistant to the idea of McDonald's taking over their culture because they fear something. And one only fears something because they have something to lose. Look, in Singapore, why is there no uproar over the fact that Americanization or McDonaldization is taking over our culture? It's because we never had any culture in the first place! Because our forefathers and whatever people were immigrants from everywhere around the world, there is no sense of losing anything at all by adopting supposed "Western cultures".

Yes, there are traditions that have to be upheld, like Chinese New Year or Deepavali, or Hari Raya Puasa. I'm not saying that everyone has to drop all that and adopt "Western holidays" or "Western traditions" like Halloween or Thanksgiving. Look, I'm Christian, which is supposedly Western, but it's not like I have to stop visiting people during Chinese New Year. Or I have to stop eating reunion dinner. I guess what's lost is simply the meaning or the original intention of the symbols used. Like praying to ancestors during the cleaning of graves thing. Look, after all, it is still our choice if we want to become "Westernised" or not. It's not right to wage war against an icon just because you fear that it might take over your traditions or cultures. In fact, it's useless. People will always want what seems new or modern; how can any sort of tradition (the very word implies antiquity) compare with that? The way to "defend" these would be to inculcate these traditions into the very fibre of the people; going up against a symbol, whether you view it as gallant or stupid, is very rarely going to help improve the image of what you're trying to defend.

Sheesh. And that's what we have been going on for the last like 1 hour.

I mean, what is there to lose? Why is everyone so scared of something they once named progress? They support it when they're gaining from it, when all seems well, when everyone is rich; the moment trouble starts looming, or your own power base seems threatened, or your political power seems to wane, they go against it, and say that America is trying to take over the world. What if Singapore develops a new software or technology that helps eradicate famine or AIDS or cancer? Will the dissemination of this technology be viewed as we trying to take over the world as well? Some times I wonder why those engineers or developers or researcher just destroy whatever they've been working on, because "what if the rest of the world deems it as a threat to their cultures/traditions/political power/economic power". Good luck for the rest of the world; how about we simply keep all our technology to ourselves. How about every country just do that; what kind of world will this become?

This debate only comes about because of the feelings that some people have against a particular country or religion, which breaks out whenever topics like this come up. Bah English is kinda retarded. I can't believe that people actually think of these things in their free time. BORING.

Events in my life

2009-02-08T16:42:00.001+08:00

ODAC Camp was AWESOME! I hope nothing like that happens ever again.

I think that was the first time I slept at 3am. Seriously. Super tiring, and I won't be surprised if I fall sick because I ran in the rain. Yet... Thanks to the greatest group on Earth, Shui Sheng, Arun, Natalie, Yun Hui, David and Lennard for sticking with all the stupid stuff in orienteering, like walking the huge circle around the bridge when we should have just crossed it and done. Or walking and eventually running in the rain just to try to get more checkpoints. And even though we failed miserably and was like last too, I still enjoyed it all. Except the rain. That was terrible.

I slept at like supersuper early yesterday, and I only woke up at 11am today. Crazy right. The light is hurting my eyes even now, and my joints keep cracking everytime I move. I can't lift my hand above my head very far, and when I have them up there I don't want to go down again. Even when I take a deep breath my chest tinges slightly, and my elbow kinda hurts alot more now. It looks kinda infected, now that I think about it. I'll wait for pus then I'll see what I'll do.

There's SO MANY PROBLEMS WITH THE CAMP AND 1STAR!!! GAH. Irritating like anything. I thought everything would be solved if I simply cancelled the trip or postponed it to March, but apparently I have to wait for what Ms Loh or Mr Tan says on Monday. Even if they wouldn't cancel it or insisted that we had to have it in Feb, I thought I would just not go for it and get someone else to replace me for that trip. Now I can't get an answer until tomorrow, and then I'll have to make arrangements. Which raises problems on Ms Lee's side; the canoeing course had to be replied like yesterday, and I thought that by today I could get a straight answer from the teachers.

However, now the Water Venture people just won't let me sign up for the course. They went to fill up the course or something like that, and closed the course, so no matter what I do I can't take it on 14 and 21st. So now I'm hoping that they don't cancel or postpone the trip, but that would mean that I'm causing trouble for the NUS people's side. So I'm stuck both ways, just because I couldn't get an answer on time. I can't go for the 1star course cause it's too late to sign up for it, and now even if I cancel the trip or postpone it to March it's too late to do anything cause it won't help with anything; I'll just have to tell everyone to book a different date for the trip again, and tell the NUS side too. At least now I'm settled for the 1star course. I'll take it myself in March or something.

As for the trip, if it happens on 20Feb, it's fine; if they cancel or postpone it, now it's fine too.

My main gripe is now I have to think about the meeting tomorrow. It's either ODAC PT or astro meeting. I don't want to pon ODAC but I'm not wild about going for more training in this state. Yet I don't want to drop everything and go for Astro in case we end up wasting time in that session. I need more time alone to think about all these things. Or time in the shower...

So things to think about:

whether to go for ODAC or Astro tomorrow, or just postpone Astro.

how to solve the problem about all the trips and courses and stuff.

next friday's Astro Welcome party.

The club's website/blog thing

Trip to the symposium thingie. Consent forms, bus booking etc.

EXCO planning

Homework

how to get people to give blood with me on the 26th of June. Which is a Friday. So I'll probably have to like pon CCA. Or I'll ask Ms Lee to send us all to donate blood. HAHA. Actually that's kinda cool. Hmm...

Well, I think that should be manageable enough. It seems a lot more when it's floating around in my head.

When I first heard this song, I immediately thought of Mao and Roy. Lol. It's called Lucky, by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat.

It's quite a cool song, go find the lyrics or get the song from me. Kinda mushy though. Lol. But so... lovely I guess. Can't find another word to describe it.

Oh thanks kor for the offer of soup. I like soup. And bread. XD

And I guess from here on I'll be writing about the horrible (I would say black Friday but I think that's kinda racist nowadays. You can't be too careful.) Friday. So read on if you're above 18, and like immune to puking and horrifying scenes of blood and gore. Also, mild torturing scenes past here. Other wise click here to leave now.

Well, it started pretty tiring on it's own; Math, then Bio then Lit. I was kinda sian already, especially after those 3 rather tiring lessons on their own. So arrived the first level of hell. As with all roads that lead to hell, it started out kinda all right. We went into the ODAC room, saw that the bananas were nice and ripe and we were like HOORAY. Bananas are ripe! Wheeee. Then we had this small briefing about the route, and the clues, and the compasses, and the maps. So that's how we started off.

We had to find the letterbox of doom first, so we travelled all the way to Clementi central before we realised that Avenue 2 was far behind us. So we walked back and finally found it. Took a picture of it then went off to find the parking lot. Then it rained. Like it started with a small drizzle first, then it stopped, so we though, hey, that's not too bad. So onwards to the next place, which was somewhere near a bridge or something. We went to the wrong bridge, then walked a huge round before finding the stupid erection of a 2 story whatever. Loser la, it was like hidden down this minute jungle path thing. zzz.

Ran and ran in the rain. Saw an accident. Some car hit motocyclist, then the poor guy the bike like dao fan, and his hand and arm was injured. I think he kena flattened by bike. Ran and ran... All the way to the 4th station, the lamp near the playground. Had to take picture in the heavy rain, so my phone got like soaked. Luckily it didn't short out or burn.

After that, we tried to find the trading chinese place thing. It was so late liao la, and we were torn between coming back late or finding the stupid place. Walked/ran another huge round before it was like 5.55pm, so we had to head back. Or get hell from Johno. Or Ms Lee. Or both. In the end we still came back late, even after running in the rain and all. I think that's why we didn't get punished or something; everyone was too pathetic looking. They just gave us less food. Which was fine by us. *sad*

After that I broke for Astro. Went to handle the club. I think we did a good job in spite of not having a plan. The rain spoiled stuff again. After so many weeks without rain, it has to appear now. Such is the way the world works. Hahahas. We didn't go to NUS, and we distracted the club with a movie while we thought up of stuff to do for the rest of the session. The Year 1s were kinda crazy so Mr Lim took them away. He did some brain-washing thing to them, which turned out pretty well actually. They were much better behaved after that, when we were showing the scopes to them.

We set up both Dobs, and the new scope and the poor Orion. Let them mull over it for awhile, then we decided to like introduce them to how to set up the scopes. Made them sort of like study how we set up the scopes, and threatened to make them do it later, and if they do it wrongly... well I left it hanging XD. Anyways, we had Kenneth and Rion do the Orion scope (Thanks guys!), while I did the white Dobsonian. I didn't set it up though; I just introduced like what to do, what not to do, what to use, what not to lose, basic stuff like that. Jack and co. set up the thing, while I tried to think "What would Mr Lim do if he was the one being the teacher." I think it was rather fun though, and went ok factoring in the lack of preparation and the sudden-ness of everything and the change of plans. I guess I haven't had the real taste of being a teacher yet, they always look so terribly busy with preparing materials and stuff. And I guess it is tiring. But I still think I'll like to be a teacher next time. Or at least teach something. I haven't forgotten about being an OBS instructor! Hahahas...

Well, then we talked to Mr Lim about stuff until 11pm. While I prayed hard that my shoes would dry by then (fat hope, life doesn't work that way, it's too evillllll.) Went back for PT, which I don't remember alot of, except for planking and running. And getting shouted at. Which I think was totally unnecessary. I think I always feel angry when people start shouting at me. Whats wrong with asking nicely. I think I'll feel more guilty and learn more from it if, even though I'm slow or late or something, no one shouts or scolds me. I'm more scared if I do something that makes someone be more quiet or use a softer tone against me than if that person starts shouting and irritating me.

Anyways, after PT we went to sleep. Sort of. I feel asleep so many times during PT, and I closed my eyes when I was running once and felt myself slipping away. I didn't do that anymore after that happened. Wait fall down or something. Showered then slept. terrible sleep. So cold, then got mosquito somemore. And I was sleeping at the corner. I think Lennard was very happy in between me and Johno; I blocked all the wind and Johno had a sleeping bag so I guess it was damn warm for him. In the end I went hunting for a nicer spot to sleep. Student Lounge, canteen, Netball court, Concourse... all so cold de. In the end I went to the grandstand and tried to sleep next to korkor. He went back to do stuff, and I koped his sleeping bag to sleep awhile. He brought toast back but I was too tired to eat it then. So by the time i ate it it was soft liao. Still edible though, so I shared with Bao.

Then we had a nice breakfast. Ate like so many bananas, didn't like the Nutella or the brand of Peanut butter, so I tried Milo and Ribena instead. Separately. I wanted to try Milo and Ribena first, but people kept asking me to pour Ribena for them, and Johno asked me to pour Ribena into his cup. Stupid la, I didn't get to be first to drink Milo+Ribena. Zzzzz. So angry.

We played Captain's ball, which we sort of owned for awhile. Then we got tired I think, so played frisbee, in which we were okay. Mostly. Then we moved to the Netball court to play (duh) netball, in which we were severely OWNED. I realised I can't defend at all, I keep forgetting that I can't block others from shooting, and that I have to mark my complementary person instead. Terrible... Kinda not open to netball now hahas.

Lunch was at the hawker centre at Clementi Central. Ate my usual thing, and bought Cheeu Kway? Dunno how to spell. Vanessa, you can try to pronounce it in all the different ways you can hahahas.

Rushed back to deliver Rad's food to him before he went home, then we slowly cleaned up the place. Went home at around 3 something after a debrief. That's a funny word. With so many wrong connotations... HAHAHAHAHAS. Forgot to take the form from Ms Lee, but I don't think it matters anymore. ZZZ.

And that's about it for the camp. After recounting all those horrible memories, I don't think I want to go for ODAC session tomorrow. The pain just keeps getting worse, and I just took some painkillers and muscle relaxant. (Not Panadol) Some kind of medicine that works well for fevers too. I hope it doesn't kill me. I feel another round of the flu coming on. My nose keep running now, and I can't breathe through it properly. And just when i though I was all done with the flu. I guess after so much stuff going on my immunity is just low.

I think I shall go for dinner now, cause I'm feeling really sleepy now, and i don't want to sleep before I can eat.

A length of prose

2009-02-02T22:09:00.001+08:00

Darkness falls a tad too early in the suburbs of math and science.

I don't feel... innocent or carefree anymore.

Why is life like that? Ups and downs and all arounds. Spinning in a washing dryer. Colours flying like birds, thoughts, emotions.

Flitting from space to space, never stopping to rest or feed. Never stopping for rest.

Take heed, all who chance at life. She'll pull your hair and stick her thumbs up your nose; and somehow...

Leave you with lessons so deep the Trench is but a dimple, so painful the sun is but a candle. And you'll leave each lesson, with half a brain, emotions shot, heart a-broken, head so messed up.

Both less a person and yet something more; both sane and insane, both Sad. but Wiser.

In pain, yet unfeeling. I'm not in denial.

Both sad, yet... Unfinished?

I pray it turns out well. For I do not dare say, I do not dare speak out, I do not dare. I wish I could. But I'm scared. And I hoped you knew. Apparently not.

I love you. ok. nitez. My heart is still heavy. Do you not understand? 3, it's been. No, 4? 3. Yes, 3. Do you not know me? I'm scared. Scared to say, scared to speak. plans? I do not dare; have it your way

Help. I'm both sad, and scared; alone and not known; hurt that you don't know. Or see. Or feel the way I do.

I hope one day you see. There's alot you don't know about me. Your best friend, me.

~To a friend. I think. No, I hope.

I've decided to become a songwriter.

2009-02-01T16:34:00.001+08:00

I spent the whole today making words rhyme with each other when i was playing, and I made this song:

So far the tune is Lenka's "The Show". The chorus. Anyways I call it "Nothing to Eat"

I only want just a bite of your ba kwa,

Why don't you give me a little bit please la.

New year is here already,

But I'm still hungry

I want to eat more goodies...

I just want some pineapple tarts

Don't want the ones that are shaped like hearts

But you just kope the last one

Never ask if I want

New year just isn't sweet

When you got nothing to eat...

Yeah that's it. I'm still very good but I think it's better than songs like "Who let the Dogs out". Or something like that. Lol. I think it's a nice song though. Everywhere I go no pineapple tarts de. Even in school. Hmm... And ba kwa so rare la. Ice cream also. Finish so fast. Anyways... Dinnering soon. And I got like nothing left to say. Hahas

Camp next week

2009-01-31T21:47:00.001+08:00

Friday and saturday next week. ODAC camp. Wheee.

*Survive until canoeing. SURVIVE UNTIL CANOEING. MUST... SURVIVE! FOR CANOEING...*

The new year 5s in ODAC seem to be okay. They're mostly decent, but I can't get used to such a big group. But they're fun! And you can talk to them! But they're crazy and fun! Unfortunately no matter how many times I say that I can't say I love big groups. At least they're not irritating. Or mouthy. Or love talking back. Or trying to undermine you. Or being rude. Grrr. Anyways Johno says we'll see first, but somehow... I don't know. There's distance. And it's been there for... a very very long time I guess. Haizz.

Another thing is the astro trip... Which reminds me to get the number of people going from Yeye. Gah not online. Diaoness.

I think I'll donate blood on 26th june. Then I can tell my kids that the first thing I did when I turned 18 was to donate blood. So cool right. Then donate again in Sept, exactly 3 months after that with Johno. then again for Christmas. Haha.

I think I'll go sleep soon. So I'll publish this first bah hahas...

Meaning unmeaningly

2009-01-23T21:12:00.001+08:00

Sometimes everything just seems so empty. And it's happening alot nowadays.

There's alot of emotions going on, all at once.

I think I'm going insane.

I don't mean that in a joking way.

It's for real.

As if that matters.

Knowing doesn't make things easier...

2009-01-20T22:49:00.001+08:00

My legs still hurt really badly. D:

And I'm still coughing and sniffing and I can't seem to breathe properly. I really Ms Lee doesn't pump us so hard for PE tomorrow, I don't think I can take it.

Enough about my poor health now... I realised that I miss wrestling with wenny alot. We went to his place today and it was so fun fighting with him on his bed. Until his knee hit my nose. It's still a little sore. And that adds another part of me that hurts...

I keep wondering about how ODAC's gonna change. It was fun on Monday playing Captain's ball. Eugene and Ada came over to play with us, and it was damn fun. Maybe because there was like so little people. And we kept doing stupid things like throwing the ball halfway across the track and having Eugene actually catch it. Amazing right. And everything's going to change on the 30th. Jack says it's gonna become like a runner's association. I guess all you need is Mong and Aaron and we have every runner in the level. Oh and Mel too I guess. I hope ODAC doesn't become like a runner CCA. I can't stand running and running all the time. And it wouldn't be fun anymore.

I don't know. I can't stop thinking about all these things and no one seems to be so bothered by them and everytime I bring things up people just do or say the same things over again. Like kor will just ask me to stop whining and go away, and johno will keep trying to maturely reason it out and wave the problem away. Conrad will just make jokes at everything and dumb the issue until it even seems stupid for me to be worrying about it, and wenny... Well wenny listens but he usually can't help much. he's always so busy with music or stuff.

The Fray - How to Save a Life.

That's a really sad song, and I guess that's roughly how I feel now. I'm losing friends, and whatever you try to do to solve my problems or deflect them or ignore them, I think it's still happening.

I feel I should add on to those lines of the poem. Or song. It ends so abruptly... but I guess that may have been the idea of the writer. But the way I imagine it, that story doesn't have a happy ending. At least, not right now, it doesn't.

Why can't anyone understand that I know things have to change, and at the same time I don't want them to change. I don't get how pointing something like "we'll still be friends" or "You'll still keep in touch with them" is supposed to make it any easier. I know we'll still be friends. I know we'll meet up many, many times. I know that this is just the conclusion of a chapter in our lives, and there's so much more we won't see if we don't move on. I know that if I ever want a son and kids I'm going to have to deal with this some way or another. I know that from a purely reasonable point of view we should still go our separate ways and write our own books of life, and blaze our own trail for ourselves. I know that eventually we'll meet again, if we're lucky, then it's on life's path; if not, then in heaven, and I know we'll compare lives then and see all the things we've done, together or otherwise. but I don't see why knowing all that makes any of it any easier.

It's over three years since I left Temasek, and even though now everyone's left too, everytime I think of being there it still hurts. I don't know if it's just me or something, but is it something so hard for anyone else to feel?

I changed the title of this post. It was actually "I'm not looking forward to PE tomorrow... " but I think this reflects my mental state much more accurately. Maybe it's the knee on the nose talking. Maybe it's the consumption of what should be an illegal amount of ice-cream (1.5L and counting after I got home). Maybe it's because I'm hurting so much everywhere. Or maybe it's just my severe lack of sleep. On that note, goodnight.

Once again, I'm sick

2009-01-17T21:12:00.001+08:00

Nothing has changed at all since Wednesday... I think I'm going to be aching for the rest of my time here... ODAC on Monday and Friday, PE on Wednesday... Judging by yesterday's PT session, there's probably no time for anything to heal off before I've got to torture myself again.

And I'm officially sick again. Some kind of flu thing, my nose is blocked and I've got a cough and a slight fever. I took medicine for I think it's going to last till Monday. What a great way to spend the weekend. Then it's back to school and training.

I shouldn't have gone for Astro or something. Didn't really do much cause I was so tired. Couldn't even climb the stairs to level 3. And I'm still tired after waking at 11am today. Sucks la...

I HATE RUNNING. Or I need chocolate at least to do it. Thanks Lux for the chocolate. I'll buy chocolate for the next few ODAC PT sessions. I can't get used to the rhythm of the crunches though. I'm just too used to going up and down at my own speed. I kept going down automatically after going up and then I have to go up again to do it with everyone else. And the push-ups were killer, not because we had to go down all the way but we had to lie on the floor. It's the rest periods between the push-ups that made me like super tired la. But I think I did pretty well, in spite of having a funny nose at that time. I kept breathing in the sand and dust on the floor from the pushups, and I had this urge to keep sneezing. Other than the fact that I was almost sick, it was quite fun. Especially after the chocolate. XD

Maybe I should employ some massager person to get rid of the aches every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Or buy an OSIM chair. Or just get Josh and Lennard... Lol sorry guys XD.

Still have to do English. Hand up on Monday. I hate doing newspaper cutouts, especially if the rationale is to "make sure we read them" Retarded. Then there's stats and Lit too. Lit looks fine, but stats looks horrible. 5 questions, and it's all on a new subject. Hopefully stats can be done by tonight. I'll just look for tomorrow's Reflect section to do English. And Lit can be done like later or tomorrow, it's a reading article thing, so... Other than that there's still Bio, which looks horribly hard to do. Loads to write somemore. Chem will have to wait for the lab notebook to return to me... And that's it for next week!! Hahas.

I hope the info about the Feb trip comes soon. We need to tell Mr Leek and anyways I'm hoping ODAC can come along too. So there's still alot of work to be done, and hopefully I don't collapse so soon, cause it's just going to build up. Looks like this sem isn't as easy as I first thought it would be.

Then there's prom planning, and Tioman trip planning, and Astro workplan to settle. Haizzzz....

I hope I don't get so beat up on Monday. I would love to be able to feel my pectorals without pain again...

Theo aches everywhere...

2009-01-14T21:03:00.001+08:00

P.E was kinda stupidly difficult today. I think I hate leg lifts now... Then had to shower without soap cause johno took so long to go shower. In the end just shower when aaron suddenly came in. Ah wells...

Learned abit of knitting thing from shelly. Kinda repetitive. I think it's murder on the hands la, you keep doing that motion again and again. Slowly drain the life out of your hands... LOL.

I'm totally addicted to James Morrison's Broken Strings. Yeah. Go search for it yourself. It's a nice song. Hahahas...

I thin I'm gonna go sleep soon. I'm really tired and I ache everywhere. ZZZ

P.E. tomorrow!!!

2009-01-13T23:00:00.001+08:00

I'm packing for tomorrow's P.E lesson. I think P.E is fun, except for running...

Needa pack so many things, and I don't have a nice shoe bag to pack it all in... Sian la. I asked someone to kope a bag from somewhere but apparently not showing... lol.

Packing's always a difficult thing to do since hostel. Now I gotta bring towel, clothes, socks, etc... Luckily don't need soap cause johno dug up some from somewhere. It has those little stony bits inside it that sort of disappear after awhile. It's super cool la! XD.

He says it's for like rubbing off dead skin or something. Kind a weird way to do it right? I thought it would be some sort of massage thing. Expensive soap, that.

I just had a thought about the soap; maybe that's how they get skinless chicken!!! They just rub it on the chicken and then when the stones disappear then you get skinless chicken! So easy la. Cool right...

THINGS TO BUY: shoe bag o.O

I want one of the carabina thingies from the ODAC booth!! I didn't get to kope them on the Friday cause of the Astro meeting. I didn't guess it would drag that long la. Actually lucky, we had food to eat afterwards. Nice food somemore, though it was abit weird. Like the chicken was dry but i guess that's because it's been left out so long. And the dessert was some weird cold dish of fruits and something like mayo. But it was still nice, and the bread was just so simple and good, with egg and cheese. I didn't care for the egg though, I don't really like hard-boiled egg, it makes my stomach rather weird if I eat alot of it. Still, for free food, it was REALLY GREAT!! I wonder if they'll serve more of this kind of buffet at the yr 6 Parents session thingie. I hope so... XD

There's P.E tomorrow; YH and Lenny's the P.E. rep for the entire year. Or so. I hope we don't do so much training, there's already PT for ODAC on Monday and outings to canoe or rock-climb or stuff like that on Friday. And I have to come back for astro too. So it's like so much training liao, if Wednesday also got training = die. I'll start getting aches that will not go away forever...

It's so tiring to travel here and there everyday, next time I'll like rent a room for my son if he ever gets into NUS High... After I tell him everything about the school and send him to a whole board of psychiatrists.

OH, there's the focus group thing coming up somewhere in April. Our last time to complain to them le. LOL. I still remember Mr Ng sending us to go do the first ever focus group discussion thing. Just because me and YH can apparently talk nonsense. Then send us to go for it. Then added Bao. Or something like that la. Super hilarious man...

I hope the Punngai trip gets through. And I hope the ODAC people can make it too, it'll be super fun. Though I need to confirm the Astro side first. And find out how many we can send. *wonders when the info will come in.* And I kinda hope nothing changes so much in ODAC. So many people are joining and stuff la, I think it's not going to be very fun le. At least we'll be doing canoeing. FINALLY!! I have a strange feeling I'm not going to be very good in it already, I've wasted away in the so many years since the last time I canoed... I can't seem to be totally good in everything la. I don't care much about the academic stuff; I'm never going to be good in those kinds of things anyways. But canoeing, going out and doing stuff, astro, physio or even normal stuff... I can't seem to be like really good in just one thing. Dancing, singing, whatever... like I'm just not good in anything. Since coming to this school, I can't even have fun properly. There's always no one to go out and be crazy with me, everyone always wants to play com or rock-climb or do something structured... Like only reiko could just go out and slack around and still make it fun, or stay at home and anyhow whack songs to sing and stuff.

Sometimes I feel like I don't even belong here much. I mean, modules like physio or IR are nice to do, and if I never came here I wouldn't have done so much astro or even outdoor stuff. But the point is like everyone here seems to be OK with just rock-climbing or com playing or LAN gaming or doing homework or... that's it I guess. I don't know... Sometimes I just feel like everyone here has forgotten how fun it is to just sit down together and sing a song or poke each other, or even watch people play on the PS or XBOX or something... I remember we used to have fun just going to someone's house and reading a book. We screwed up the stories or the words or the expressions in the book, and we had an even better time than going out or "getting a hobby". We used to go crazy trying to dance to songs that'll we'll play, and we used to think that "tuo diao" was the greatest chinese song in the world and that we should keep the volume down when we played it cause of parents outside... The guys just didn't care about anything anyone said, and we were so easy with each other and everyone else. We knew that what we said would stay with whoever heard it, and everyone could trust everyone else.

Now here, there's someone sniping at you at every other word you say, or spoiling things with blatant discriminatory things. It was never an issue back then I guess, and everyone here is so uptight about these things... I'm not talking about racist stuff cause 99.999% of the time it's all for fun; we're perfectly capable of laughing at jokes or slurs about ourselves and usually, that's how it starts anyways. Those aren't a problem. I guess things just don't seem so open with everyone else anymore.

Well... it's always weird how I get carried away like that and write until I suddenly look up and feel really tired and notice it's like 11pm... Time tends to bend weirdly around me. Hmm...

I'm not angry

2009-01-03T15:52:00.001+08:00

or anything... I'm just kind of disappointed that even you would want to work against me.

I hope you know what you're doing... I mean I understand your argument about how you think I'm doing this for myself and all, but I think you should take a look at what your reason is for opposing the swap. If you absolutely love the new classrooms and would like to stay there for the rest of the year then yes, it's a valid argument; put together a group of you and talk to me or something.

But don't oppose me because you think I'm doing this all for my own, that I'm the only one who wants it. I've already done my best to find out who actually seriously opposes the classroom swap; so far no one has done anything, and I've gone ahead with my own plans.

Even so, it's not a final decision. If Mr Chua decides to approve it, we still have to decide whether we want to move back or not. Whether the Yr 3s will agree to the shift back or not. Whether there are serious opponents to shifting back or not.

My point is, I don't mind if you come to me and say you would rather have the new classrooms. Then we'll take your opinion into account, and see what we can do. But I don't want to be discouraged or stuff by people who oppose me because they think it's wrong for me to "think entirely of what I want". As far as I know, the worst case scenario that I've known about is: "I can't really be bothered, both ways are fine."

If both ways are fine, then why object to shifting back? Answer that question truthfully first, then get back to me.

If it's about how you think I shouldn't be "speaking on behalf of the whole level", then bring that up separately and don't confuse it with this issue.

If it's about "I REALLY REALLY WANT the NEW classrooms, I HATED the old ones, why didn't this happen sooner", then why is there no objection so far?

And if it's: "I want the old classrooms really badly", or "I prefer the old classrooms, but don't mind the new either", or "I don't freaking care about either as long we have a classroom", then just don't say anything, cause I'm already on it.

From my point of view, I think that even if the whole level was "I don't care, as long as we have a classroom", and there was only one person who wanted the old classrooms, I still think that we should at least try to move. If there's no objection to moving back, then surely the door is wide open to move back! Don't confuse the issue with: "It's a hassle to move back now", or "Why is he stirring up so much trouble", because you should have taken that into account when you answered.

I've already tried to keep this as low-key as possible; as long as there's no strong objection to moving back, I don't see why I need to trouble people with extra worry and work. I've offered to personally email all the teachers involved in the swap, and personally go to the Yr 3 classes and see if they're willing to change with us. There isn't any hassle for the average person, just the fact that you have to remember to go up to "Blk D 5th storey" instead of "Blk B 4th storey".

If that's too hard for you, then I can't help there, and you should have answered with: "I'll really rather have the new classrooms. I love them and I'll rather not change back."

I hope this is the end of it, because it's a stupid thing to bring up and it doesn't help anything.

Dec 09

2008-12-30T14:04:00.001+08:00

Apparently someone died. And it has scared me enough to write this post in case I'm next. :D

I'm addicted to The Ting Tings "Shut Up and Let Me Go". And loads of other songs which I've been hearing on the radio. Yup that's my source for new hit songs. o.O

I'm on a quest to find the perfect TEVA slippers. Yeah after a year of stealing wenny's slippers to wear I can't get used to sandals anymore. And anyways my sandals are broken. TEEEEEEEEVA....

Korkor has a patypus. Platypus. It's so cute... And I needa return his mahjong tiles. I hope got enough people at the BBQ to play mahjong. I'm kind of deprived already, I wonder how I'll play next year... No more hostel le D:

I have gotten my army letter. And I've deferred it until Dec 09. It's so scary that we're Yr 6 already. I don't know how I'm going to take leaving again. I still haven't gotten over leaving Temasek... I know a part of me says that it's all for the best and stuff, but many times I still wonder why I left in the first place. Then another part of me flames me and says I wouldn't have met such great people if I hadn't left, but I wouldn't have left such great people if I had never left in the first place... It's complicated like hell.

And I'm scared of doing it again with next year. I know it's going to happen anyway, but it doesn't make it easier or anything.

When I was really young I used to want to grow up so I could have loads of money to buy stuff and do stuff, but now... growing up isn't easy at all, and I'll rather study or stuff now.

Christmas... in 3 days!

2008-12-22T21:11:00.001+08:00

Christmas is in 3 days and I think I'm coming down with some runny-nose thing...

And we have a BBQ on the 31st now, I have to tell Conrad but he's overseas and doesn't come online faithfully...

I just watched the last episode of the Kids Next Door, and it's so sad... I think it's irritating to grow up. You have to do so much stuff, and you can't play as much, and you have to work, and even though you have alot of cash you can't spend it. And there's so much politics and stupid stuff going on around you, and you have to like blast through everything and find some way to survive...

I'll rather be studying for the rest of my life or something. At least I know I can be doing something and there's people around.

I miss Temasek alot still. I miss everyone there, and now they're like scattered all over the world. Sometimes I think what it'll be like if I never went to NUS High. It's weird but I can't really imagine it now. And as Johno put it, I wouldn't have met so many people that I love now. However, that doesn't make it any easier when we graduate next year. It doesn't make it hurt any less; it doesn't make it any better at all. In fact, I think it makes it worse because I know I brought this on myself, that I chose it, even though at that time I knew about what would eventually happen.

We seem to be rushing on together-time; we just had a chalet, we're gonna have a lunch and a BBQ later in the holidays, and next year we're going overseas on a trip. I think everyone's feeling it, the sense that we're not going to see each other very soon. Maybe it's something we picked up from the Yr 6s. They keep telling us that they found the year to pass very fast, and I think it's made us just a bit more panicky than usual. I just don't get how everyone else can hide it so well...

I guess it's all right for hardened people like kor, or people who are like so perfect in everything they do, like Johno. They just take it with a "so what?" and that's the end of it. It's so easy for them, and maybe they don't understand how I feel. I hate leaving...

Anyways, I think I'm going to sleep now. It's always so depressing when I think about these things.

Chalet photos... and weird stuff

2008-12-21T22:37:00.001+08:00

That's like korkor... playing something on the PSP or the DS or whatever. It's orange. Kinda dirty orange and its weird...

Mahjong khakis... However you spell that. They're playing mahjong. Duh.

Let sleeping Jacks lie... While the rest of us went to play mahjong outside. MUAHAHAHA.

CS retards who come chalet to, what else, play CS.

Doggy. More commonly called Dalton. He was so much fun at the BBQ, then he turned lethargic the next day. Aaron was mean to him. I tried to bribe him to stay with me from then on but it failed... D:

My dear roomamte being a retard and trying to jump over the table. I wish I could say he failed and hit his balls, but unfortunately he didn't. Not that he was good or anything... the table was just too low. >.<

Char's turn to be retarded. Tried to jump through the photo when I was taking, but still failed. End up got quite a nice shot.

Johno and Mitchell... and Johno's camera, which can do alot of things and take loads of nice photos, and apparently its the first of its kind (DSLR) where you can see what you take through the screen instead of only the viewfinder. Anyways, it took a picture of Aaron, together with the nice scenery behind, which included kissing lovers. Ask Johno for more details, and pray hard he kept that photo. XD

We had lousy hair. It was windy. The camera was held too close. Bad shot. ZZZ

My roommie. Just him yup. He deserves to have a star rating in this picture, because he's obviously more interested in his right pocket then the camera.

The tousled hair look is in style... And we're catching on quick. High winds and long hair required for maximal effect. However, having people growing out of your head isn't a fashion style; more like randomness...

Portrait shots of people. Required by law in case they need mugshots.

Aaron's a contortionist!!! Notice foot on his right. (That's mine by the way!)

Last picture before Aaron left... His doggy was home alone. I wonder if it had to fight off criminals who break into the house with a truly ingenious plan of using common household items to wage war against them and get them out of the house... (Obscure "Home Alone" reference here. It's a TV show.)

Notice pink slippers that are WAYY too small. Guess whose those are hahas.

Whose feet are in which pair of shoes. (It's kinda obvious if you know what you're looking for... )

Last photo taken. The '03 gang. MUAHAHAHAHA.

Rightttt...

So after that LONGGGGG photo montage, I have decided to write about my whole 5 days of experiences...... tomorrow. Or something. I'm really tired now, and I'm going to sleep.

*also: I'm gonna see how long it takes for people to find this blog again.

**also: I'm gonna die next year, Kor's joining ODAC, and I'm gonna be tortured to run... and run... and runnnnnnn... NOOOOO. Bao, maybe you'll have to wheel me around St Luke's when they're done with me... Hmm... XD

And he said...

2008-12-14T16:43:00.001+08:00

I thought of restarting a new blog since it's like just after hostel. We should start afresh, and anyways it's hard to read all that I wrote without missing hostel.

In the end I couldn't think of a better blog address, so I gave up and decided to continue on this blog.

Yeahh. Took me like half an hour to decide to shift back.

Mr Lim happened...

2008-10-11T00:13:00.001+08:00

I feel old tonight. Really old. Astro was way cool today; the last part got kinda weird. Gave out the jackets, collected money, said goodbyes to Yr 6s, went up to observatory while everyone complained in the dry lab and gave suggestions on what to do for next year...

Mr Lim scolded them afterwards. Not really scolded; more like gave them a pep talk. On how they shouldn't like be criticising us if they won't even lift a finger to help... So epic... And moving.

It's kinda sad that it takes a teacher doing this to open your eyes to what's been going on the past few weeks, or months. We've worked so hard, and we don't even bother if anyone notices it, but apparently someone did. And that's all that matters right now.

It's hard to have all these things said in front of the Yr6s; after all, they're the ones that started all of this. I guess it's also hard for them to see how we've taken over from them. I guess it's kinda like seeing your kids grow up. It's really regretful that we couldn't put up a better night for them today, but I think they had fun in the observatory tonight. We're having a last session celebration the last week after the Yr1-4 exams. It's a big party, and we're going to start planning right now. It's going to be something so big and well done that everyone's going to remember it. I guess in the end, it's the least we could do. I guess we're all going to miss him and stuff, and though we don't know what astro's going to be like next year, we'll always do our best to make things work out, the way he would have wanted it, the way it would be if he was still here. There's something about carrying a mantle that's both deeply comforting and deeply inspiring.

I guess there are still a few problems to be worked out with astro; we'll be sure to get down on them as soon as possible. And even though he may be leaving us veryvery soon, I guess even at the last minute, there are nuggets of wisdom to be found everywhere in a person. So right to the very last moment, I'm going to keep listening, and watching, for those nuggets. Because each one is precious, and each one teaches us a lesson we'll never forget.

Being stupid

2008-09-30T00:05:00.001+08:00

One thing about not studying for anything is that people always tend to take you as being damn stupid. So you tell them something that you know alot about, and you get weird bullshit from them, like having argued about it with a teacher before or just knowing. It's damn idiotic, especially when said fact is like staring at you in your damn face one mouse click away on wikipedia.

I guess there's a price to pay for acting stupid. On one hand it almost guarantees that'll people won't take you seriously if you say anything wrong; yet even that is a double-edged sword, especially if you have thick-headed friends who think they're so smart just because they study the whole day. No one ever realises that on things that I like, I take less than half a day to study. Well, I don't see the point of studying so hard just to show that I can. What's the point of studying the whole day if you can do the same amount of work in half an hour? The only point is to simply show off. It's probably a defence mechanism just to comfort themselves that they're doing something to try to be better.

I don't believe in studying. There's not much point in it, the way the world's going. Furthermore, I don't see the point of trying to slam something into your head when you obviously don't want to. You'll end up decreasing your satisfaction with that subject, with only minimal increase in mugging power...

The whole day I've been nagged at to study something, with all sorts of stupid excuses to try to get me to study. Don't waste time, studies are important, don't get complacent... Can't you obviously see that that's a stupid way to argue?! Complacency isn't the issue here, yet everyone thinks I'm so confident that I'm not studying. All of you are idiots. I don't study not because I think I don't need it, or I'm ready, or I'm so smart that I don't need to. I just don't want to. And that is NOT complacency; it's simply my choice.

The only people who're acting complacent are the ones who try to rebut me. Just because I look dumb, I don't study and my CAP isn't that great, you think I'm stupid enough not to know when the bravado you display at being "right" is all fake. If you only can do one thing in the whole world, wouldn't you make sure you could at least do it well and good? So don't try to make stupid excuses, stands and judgement calls, just because you've "studied the whole day". Like I said, I see no point in studying a whole day and getting simple facts wrong.

And whatever you think now, I know I'll be one of the happiest people from here in the future. It's not a question of whether I'm smart or not, or whether I have potential even, but I know I'm going to be one of the top because I don't suffer such shortsightedness that so many people here have. If nothing else, I see much more clearly than few others here. I'm not as blind as many take me to be, and despite my many faults, I know that even though everyone else here will have better pay, or greater spending power, or more luck or better looks or more leadership potential, I will be the most fulfilled here. Because nothing else matters as much, yet you are blind enough to chase fleeting shadows. Like I said, most times, I'm the only one who sees clearly enough to play this game.

Astro will drive me nuts

2008-09-26T20:31:00.001+08:00

I'm quite sick of people not caring about astro or something. It's technically the end of CCA for Yr 5s but hello, do you think anything can function if you remove half of its EXCO? Damn what la...

And then because of things like watching girlfriends at CO and studying or chionging homework and you can't turn up...

Sometimes I wish to really kill some people. It's just not correct to do this la. Like you hardly bother about the club, and even when I have something else on I have to call and check up and worry. Can't you just concentrate on what you're doing for once, and finish it up? It's not that difficult you know.

I think alot of people think I'm like this slacker who chiongs homework at the last minute and because of my good crapping skills I get great grades. The truth is, I'm not stupid. Studying can be done with so little energy and time spent that I can't comprehend why some people spend a whole fortnight doing a project when, if you sit down for 2 hours it can be finished. Granted, I can't be bothered to do homework so early most of the time, but when I finally get it done I manage to produce work that can still get me Bs or even As. And it's just because I concentrate when I start something. Other people play GE, listen to music, talk to others, then complain that they take so long to do their work and stuff.

Whatever la. If they're not interested, I'm going to give up on astro.

Try...

2008-09-22T21:14:00.001+08:00

Love is a terrible thing to hold. No one owns it; no one controls it. Yet everyone seems to desire it. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

It would be better not to feel at all than feel your heart bleeding. Wise words. Everytime i care for someone, I get burned. I'm starting not to care already. If not for what words from sponge I'll be in the middle of a nervous breakdown. He's the one person who I know will never hurt me, no matter what. Yes; I'll gladly push everyone else away. For I know what's left can never hurt me.

It's dinner time...

2008-09-21T17:48:00.001+08:00

I just woke up. Wow. And I'm hungry. I'm gonna eat some ice-cream then go down for dinner. Hope it's nice food.

I just received like 10 smses when I restarted my phone. Something is seriously wrong with it le. I shall go down to eat now. It's a nice sunset too, and I'm not intending to miss any moment of it. People or not

Left Behind?

2008-09-20T21:47:00.000+08:00

I just woke up... Wow. Slept from 3-9. And I'm still feeling tired.

I guess I'm not going home tonight, or probably the rest of the weekend. I don't even know if I should be up now typing this... My hands are swollen like... lobsters? Can't even think of a suitable analogy now. Or simile. Whatever. Sian. Haven't eaten the whole day.

I don't know why I bother with friends sometimes. I've seen more than enough cases where people get hurt because of them. I feel like throwing it all away sometimes, and other times...

It hurts, that's what I'm trying to say. In a way that no one else will ever understand. Maybe kor's right. I should learn how to live alone. Funny though, how I lose both ways, all the time. I try to reach out, and I burn my heart. I push people away, and they burn my heart. I will be alone. Probably somewhere else, far away. Mr Ng was right when he said I just loved any time where I left the country. The thing he didn't know was why.

I wonder if Alain's having a great time now. Or Adam. Or Sylvie. Or Ms Teo or Mr Ng, even... I've lost so many people that I'm not starting to care about everyone else anymore. There's no point in softening up when you're going to get stabbed again...

It's one of the reasons why I look up to kor. Not caring is a skill I need to learn. And it's starting to take root. My hands hurt; but I'm still up here. I'm way sore, but I'm going to run tomorrow morning, just for fun, and to prove that I can. Maybe I'll even get a heart attack. There are so many ways; thrombus, V-fib, decreased O-hemo to heart, overexertion of cardiac muscle, electrolyte imbalance due to fluid loss, heatstroke... Or I can simply get knocked over by a car by running across a road... Yet I'm still here, after 17 years or so...

I missed today's sunset. I miss having someone at my side to watch it with me, and because of the lack of that, I can't enjoy myself like I used to. I don't have so many people in my life anymore. And it seems like people are leaving much more quickly now than ever before... In Pri 2 it was Adam. I bet even if I go back and find my classmates, they won't remember him. But that was just the first.

Sylvie was next; I lost a valuable ally in the pathetic Lit student pantheon, and the strongest fighter in the war against Celine to get first in Lit. And all her stupid crappy jokes. And retardedness. And her sick-ness. Just ask Rad... And all the long train journeys home were never so bad if she rode with us. Even if she usually only rode to Chinatown...

Alain was next; he left about March, just when Mr Ng was dropping hints that he too, was leaving. and it's not just leaving, leaving. More like leaving the country leaving. It's the in thing now I guess.

Mr Lim's leaving soon. Probably to another country, from what I've heard. (MIT?) And we'll probably never see him again, unless some weird wind of fortune blows the right way, at the right time, in the right places, and through the right channels. It's crap, you know, when people say that you can change the future if you take charge. After all, the future is only potential; potentials can change whether you do anything or not. Not that one should just sit back and do nothing... But one thing you learn soon enough is that the very thing that you have been trying not to allow to happen may happen because of your actions. And for us, that's always hard to comprehend. The way a right word spoken can change another person's life... the same way a wrong word spoken can destroy a life.

I guess ultimately we choose our own lives. But I know that no matter what I don't think of this place as my own. There must be a better place somewhere. And I'll leave everything behind, one day. For it's not worth it to feel, when you feel too much as well.

I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

Cares and worries

2008-09-18T21:06:00.001+08:00

I really worry about astro tomorrow night. Looking at everyone who's going to be there... Well you can't count on our dear QM and VP, though I love them so. And lately Mao has her head so into her new boyfriend that it's worrying, and I had hoped that she could like help keep everything on a level head.

Kenneth and CG are usually really tired already from robotics and scouts and whatever, and unfortunately Terry isn't the kind you'll take orders from. So it gets very difficult when things like this pop up all of a sudden. It's amazing how things can seem to work and fit perfectly one moment, then turn out to be so horribly screwed the next. Like, I decided to put Josh in charge for the Amazing race,, and then it turns out that its kinda lucky cause I won't be here tomorrow. Then it turns out that because I'm not here, things are probably going to get like wild and stuff tomorrow. And no one left seems equipped to handle a situation in which the whole club goes crazy or slacks off and just doesn't want to do the Amazing Race or some crazy shit like that...

Which reminds me that I have to draw up some stuff for astro before I go home tomorrow. Needa send out an email to the rest of the club and CC to Mr Lim, and then settle the prizes and make sure they get to the Dry Lab so that I can minimise the chances and devastation of a fallout... Which I'm predicting will kind of happen unless Mr Lim does something... Or Ben... Or if my EXCO finally grew the presence of mind to take charge and stuff...

Well, that's for astro I guess. There's cycling at night at ECP-Changi tomorrow night, and on Sat morning theres Lit class. Great right. So I'm going to sleep as early as possible today, then go for mentoring tomorrow morning and come back to sleep as much as possible. Then go home, and sleep... Then chiong for cycling, chiong home and chiong to school for lit and probably stay there liao la. its irritating to chiong here and there and be so tired anyways.

If only the stupid night cycling was on some other day, and not on the amazing race day. Now i know how scientists who have been doing a project for so long and get it snatched away due to lack of funding at the last minute feel. We worked so hard for the Amazing Race, and I won't be here to even see it. Sian.

Life is getting stupid again. Johno is getting really mean sometimes. It's so sad. I miss the old Johno. I miss the old times. And God, I miss Mr Ng... Our dearest newest mentor is just SOOOOOO great. Words fail me. *rolls eyes*. I hope I never have to have the mentor talking thing with him. I won't be able to stop myself from rolling my eyes at every single one of his sentences... *Sigh*

Anyways, the physics interest group seems to be taking off well on its own, under the care of Johno and YH. I mean, I didn't even know about the whatever talk or movie or thingie that happened today... Hmm. Too busy? But things have changed alot too I guess; people have been changing loyalties so much lately, and not only that, people seem to be getting like so much more evil nowdays. And distant. Distant is bad too. Kor barely talks to me, Johno daos me alot, even when he's using my com to play CS... lame right. I feel like a walk-over floormat sometimes. Conrad is playing GE everyday; sometimes I hope he fails something just so it wakes him up to stop wasting time on stuff like that... Though I'm not a very good example anyways.

And kor just doesn't seem to understand that he shouldn't be encouraging Rad to play GE, its all well and good if he can keep up with work and still put in playing time, but now its so very close to exams, and they're still maniacally playing, and obviously even though I know kor can do anything I don't think Rad should be playing; he's got to pass like EM spec together with the regular modules, and whatever he says, its not easy, what with Lit. And they're all slacking off for what seems like everything in the school; I can understand CCA slacking, and maybe some slacking for the acads, but he looks like he can't be bothered even for IR. it's like they go for IR, then rest for 2 weeks? The worst thing is that he doesn't listen to whatever I say, and everytime i ask him to study he avoids the question by trying to get me fed up, or by saying that I don't study either, or something... Sometimes I feel like saying that I'm not you, and anyways, even though I "don't study", I can still get relatively okay marks and grades. And he can't do that, but he insists that it's okay...At any rate, it's just worrisome bah...

Sometimes I forget that I'm not supposed to interfere with other people's lives. It's something you don't find easy to keep to when you're living in time. Anyway, I guess people have to learn their own lessons from their own mistakes. I can foresee myself worrying myself to death when I have kids...

Haizz. Whatever I guess. *Sian...*

It's amazing...

2008-09-16T21:04:00.001+08:00

How you can feel all alone even though you're surrounded by friends.

Maybe my definition of friends are different huh? It's kinda hard to explain I guess...

Ate at Macs in the afternoon. It's always weird to be struck with deja vu, but this time it was kind of weirder. Think: continuous deja vu. I remember we used to go to Siglap Macs so many times after school; buy a studentmchickenmealupsizechangethedrinktoasprite... Then buy ice cream, stuff fries in it and eat it whole. Now, we hardly even eat at Macs anymore, or even eat together. Its so different. Everyone's so busy and stuff, and I guess they just don't have time for me anymore. Even kor's so busy now... Or something.

Bao's like missing from the eternal fabric of time since we got shifted into different classes, and obviously Mao has Roy and YH's always busy with flying and well work. And then there's like Conrae left, and he's so busy playing GE or whatever now that he really can't be bothered I guess. I end up getting more and more caught up in astro stuff (and animal physio), but even there no one seems to be serious about it.

Anyways, sitting alone in macs gave me loads of time to think about... well lots of stuff. Even though its not the same, I still enjoy some alone time. However, I think that now there's too much alone time. Aaron kept saying that I need to get out and mix around more and whatever, but that's wayy too exhausting. I dont know how everyone else seems to do it so easily. I's just not me I guess, and if I try to be someone else... It has always turned out bad, and I frankly don't see how it would be otherwise now.

And it's so difficult to just get people to sit down with me and just... be, I guess. Everyone thinks that I have to be doing something, or studying, or they have something to do, or someone else comes in and takes them away if they're just relaxing off... It's so irritating. And I guess Johno is the only one who has the inkling to do that, but he's always back to CS now, and that's where the free time goes I guess. And yup, I'm back being alone again.

And I don't get why kor keeps saying that I need to learn how to be alone. I don't see him being alone. Things are easier to say if you're not going through them I guess, and i don't think anyone else is going through what I'm going through right now. I mean, I'm trying so hard not to just not to have a mental breakdown or anything, cause I seriously don't know what will happen to me. And everyone's just like, suck it up, or be happy... And I do have times that I'm happy. Yet, it doesn't mean that I'm all right, in every way possible. Everyone else seems to have something to do, or friends to play with, or people to talk to. Yet somehow that never seems to be the case.

In everyone relationship I see, I don't see something that lasts. It's not something which anyone can hold on too. It's like people have suddenly becomes so much less important in the "grand scheme of things" And being alone, no matter what the cool factor is, is not what I'll ever try to be in my life. If I didn't learn anything in Sec2, I'll still remember this from Contact time:

No Man is an Island

And yeah I guess one of the guiding principles in my life right now would be just that. The most important people in my life would be my friends. I'm not a big fan of my family, and I don't think there will ever be a correct time to talk things over with them anyway.

I guess, in the end, everyone is alone in one way or another. Whether you see it now, unless you have someone like my di, everyone's going to be alone in life. Say what you want, or argue or fight, but in the end, how many people will be with you when you die? Not watching you on your deathbed, even if its the most emotional scene ever, but dying, together with you, at the very same time, to head on the greatest journey ever together with you? Probably no one. Most likely, no one. Talk about being lonely.

It's a sad case of birthday fever

2008-09-09T00:26:00.001+08:00

IT's weird to see people people receiving like a million presents. Especially if you're not chipping in for them. Either that, or its also weird to see people receiving EXPENSIVE presents when you know you didn't chip in for them. Hmm...

I don't really know bah... On one hand its always nice to see people getting presents, and everyone being so happy and all... Yet its kinda depressing to see the absolute number that some get I don't know; I'm not the type who's been really easy to make friends. I have a bunch of close friends, and that's about all I guess. I look at how people like Johno make friends and I don't know how anyone can actually keep up with that many people...

I guess it's also probably why I don't have so many friends. Part of the problem is that I would always choose a friend I can always depend on over sheer numbers. And that guiding principle has probably been why I don't subscribe to things like Facebook or Friendster or whatever. I would rather have people I know and love than run around trying to keep up with a hundred other friends. That's not what a friend should be at all.

Anyways... what with all the present giving and things, it's always kinda depressing for me. Sucks being short of cash eh... I can't buy things like iPods or 250GB hard drives. Usually the only thing I give to people is probably a happy birthday. Sad eh.

Even so, after concentrating on deepening my already present relationships, I still can't run away from the fact that I'm still alone in this world. No matter what, we're still going to drift apart, especially after we leave this school. It's already happened once; I don't see why not again. No one's going to follow me through life. No one's going to be there by my side, whether I like it or not. Sucks to be alone too...

Growing up is really really hard. Sometimes I feel like giving up. Sometimes it's just not worth to start friendships just to see them end. It's true, you know. I feel too much. I think too much. And I imagine scenarios of things to come, way too much.

Banal evils

2008-08-24T12:00:00.001+08:00

I'll like to start off this post by saying that I'm sick. That's the banal evil, and it's something I can fight back.

My hate, on the other hand... one day it's gonna be the death of me. I'm quite sure of it.

Anyways, I have one more guy to really thank for everything I've been through, and he's none other than my di. Yupp. If you're reading this, know that I really appreciate everything you've done for me over the past hmm... almost 5 years. You've comforted me, stood up for me, protected me, helped me, fed me, and indeed shown me that the world isn't such a bad place after all. I will be a broken guy the day you die, so don't ever think about doing anything stupid ok? Know that I love you enough to take blows for you anytime, anywhere, and that I will see to it that you'll suffer as little as possible in your life. I'll always look out for you, no matter where you go or what you decide to do in life. Words can't easily express how much I care for you, but just know that without you, I wouldn't have survived these 5 years in Sec school and NUS High. You've helped me so much with your advice, to kill people who get in your way, and beat back enemies before they beat you, and always look out for friends... You're not only my di, but you're also my best friend and the person I owe the most to. Despite my changing schools, you still made time for me, even if it's just to chat online late at night when I was feeling down.

Whatever it is, you've been the greatest influence in my life, and helped me harden my heart enough to take blows without being crippled. Seriously, there is nothing I can do to make it up to you. So thanks, for all that, and more.

Now for the girls. Hmm.

YH: Apart from my di, you're a great influence on my life too. I've picked up some useful tips on how to make my point and speak up for what I think is right, but that's not all I wanted to tell you.

Thanks for always looking out for me, even when our classes have split and all. It's hard to keep up with the multitude of changes that keep coming, but you still care for me, enough to feed me and try to cheer me up when I'm down. Chinese will never be the same because of you (and Len), and I can bet I'll be failing even more miserably if you're not sitting next to me in Cheena. Lols...

MH: Good luck to you and your new boyfriend! XD. Always my dependable secretary for the laziest president on the planet, I don't know where I'll be if you weren't here. Well, for once, I'll never be in the Physics Interest Group. Hahas. It's all so weird even now. Always the smartest of everyone else and yet making it look so easy... That's our dear Mao for you. Your birthday's in a few days, and look at you, you're 17! Don't bite off more than you can chew though; and always remember we'll be right there when you need us.

Bao: You're super busy!!!! Relax la... Anyways, I think it's only with you and your super math coaching (a long time ago) that I'm not at the bottom of the Track 1 Math class now... Not only that, I guess I owe you for all the Faraday thingies you keep tying to me... Making me do things, making me cheer, making me enthu for ODAC and stuff... Without you, I know life will be so much more dead for me. So thanks for your companionship and for everyone in it, thanks for the ring XD!

Cass: Again, you've been with me since very near the start. Booking chalets, cheering everyone up, in short being the perfect PSL. Together with Mitch of course. Crap. Forgot to add him in. Sianz. Fine I shall do it here. Both of you have been one of my best friends since time immemorial, and as for Mitch, you've been the very embodiment of fun and more importantly, hope that there's always another way to look at bad things. As for Cass, it may be hard to be one of 2 girls in Track 1 math, but you've definitely helped me pull up my math, especially in Calc 2. We absolutely love complaining about our wonderful Math teachers. XD. So for both of you, thanks for being my critique partner on our teachers.

Gel: Our resident model councillor who can't bear to see even one thing done slightly contrary to the rules... GO GET BEN ALREADY LA!! WAH LAO.... What are you waiting for girl!? Sheesh. Anyways, you're always the person who we can depend on a complete update on homework, especially chinese... ZZZ. You're abysmally fun to hang out with, and even more fun to tease. I hope you don't change when you finally get married, cause we're gonna miss you. Apart from that, thanks for being always there when I need help. You're one of the bedrocks under my world, and serously, life would be alot less interesting without you.

(To Ben: don't kill me over this. I DID NOTHING!! RAWR.)

I'm officially pooped now... I know I've left out alot of very important people, but the medicine is kicking in, and I almost published a long string of "spaces and 'b's" cause I fell asleep (almost) on the keyboard. I'm gonna sleep now. Everything hurts...

A change of heart

2008-08-23T23:30:00.001+08:00

Well since the last few posts have been super depressing... i decided to devote this entire post to... well you'll see.

First up is kor. I know you're not the kind to fuss over a di or whatever, and you're not the type to show nice-ness or anything mushy like that. I guess after taking into account all that, I'll have to say I'm really thankful that you can still somehow manage to show some sort of concern towards me. Thanks for your bread and all, but mostly, I thank you for just being there whenever I need you. I know it must be irritating and all, but sometimes I come over just to, well, I don't know how else to to put it, but just to be with you. I owe so much to you kor, and I don't know what I'm gonna do when I leave this school. Well kor, whatever it is, please remember that I'm here for you too.

It's so weird to write all these things out, but I guess its so much harder to say it out. Anyways...

To John: Thanks for being by my side for almost everything. I've been super depressed lately but you helped... even if it was a little. It's always nice to know someone cares enough to be even a little worried. I know you've been busy or something since you came back from your china trip or something, but you still looked out for me. Even now you're too busy to play with me much, but at least you try here and there, in little ways. And again, it's nice to know you care.

To Rad: I have decided to call you Rae from now on. It's so much cooler to have a nickname that no one knows how it came about. So yeah. I guess it's the same thing always; you've been with me since almost the beginning, and I owe you a million and more for just that alone. Have you ever noticed how when there's a discussion or when I make a point we always take opposite sides? I think that's veryvery interesting to note. Hmm. For now though, I won't have lived without you. Seriously. You're one of the things keeping me from killing myself one of these days. So yeah XD.

Josh: You're a bastard. Yet I still love you dearly. Weird huh? You're the person that I bitch to the most I think. I slack off so much with you that I think I'm getting addicted to it. Well, thanks for being there for me always. You don't talk to me about "What happened?" like Johno, but I know you still care about me. You're like the reason why I can bear to live through the days, and especially at astro. Well... I can only give you good wishes with your dearest girlfriend. XD

Aaron: HATES YOU. Yet I still love you. I think I torture you the most, seeing that I stay with you. Well, you should have gotten used to it already, so I don't see why I need to stop. You're this evil bastard who just loves to ignore me when you're watching House, and forcing me to open the locked door and dragging me to buy food with you and stuff. Well, you're gonna get back everything you throw to me tenfold, anf even more if possible. BEWARE OF THE NEXT WAR!! RAWR!!!

Lennard: I'm gonna keep pressing those nerves. It's so fun watching you squirm in your seat when I do that. Well seriously, thanks for making life in 5D so much more interesting. And making chinese sort of bearable. Sort of. It's fun to talk to you, and more fun to torture you. I'm really sorry that you're sorta like my punching bag (poking bag? pressing bag? o.O), but know this: We all love you. So play nice too k? Hahas...

Ryan: You really are an asshole. I guess we've sorta grown apart, and it's probably sorta my fault. Whatever it is, I remember all my debts. And believe me when I say I still owe you, BIG TIME. And yes, I still love you dearly, though you always seem to be busy with stuff when I go over, whether it's games or sleep or just slacking off with someone else. Well, it's your life, and I respect that, but sometimes it hurts when you don't talk to me. Don't forget k?

Wow. I'm really tired, and I've like not even done with the guys. I'm not really looking forward to continuing this tomorrow, but I WILL FINISH THIS. Zzz.

I'm gonna sleep now. Really tired. *aches from ODAC* Climbing kills muscles you never knew you had.

Just when you thought all was safe...

2008-08-21T22:39:00.000+08:00

It's not. The one place where I wouldn't have to fear to see him, but no, I can't even be granted this one certainty.

What is he doing in my cluster!? Argh I can't stand it. I can't stand him. GET LOST! He goes on and on about how his life sucks and he has no friends but he goes around like... GAHHH. I hate him now. I feel like he's stealing away my life, my friends.

THEY'RE MINE! GO AWAY!!

GAH!!!! I swear I will one day... I can't stand that stupid little twerp. *goes out and drinks milk*

Everytime I see him I just see red. I can't stand him at all, and I'm afraid I'll do something I'll regret if I keep seeing him. For the first time, I found myself wishing evil on someone just because I hate him now. I wish he won't ever grow up, if that's what he wants so desperately. ARGH.

I can't stand the way he's just taking over my friends and my life. Apparently he talks to alot of people on msn. So there. Just don't interfere with MY friends, cause to me, you're just an enemy now. You don't matter anymore to me, except if you stand between me and my friends, or whatever they want. I will not spare you, and I owe you nothing. I have paid my debts in full, and I owe you nothing. I have forgotten any favour I've performed; it is thus I owe you nothing. There are no favours, no debts, no love, nothing between us from now on. And on my di, I swear that things will never be the same again. This is one thing I will never forgive, let alone forget. An unbridgeable chasm now separates us; I won't ever try to cross it, and if you know better, you wouldn't even try.

I don't want you in my life anymore. And yes, I would like it alot if I could simply forget you and I were ever friends. Better yet, I wish I never even met you.

*Half an hour later*

I think I'm calm. But I really can't take much more of this. It's just revealing how hate-filled I can be, and I've been snapping at so many people lately. I don't expect half of them to care, and I don't expect half of them to understand either. I just expect them to ignore it. It isn't me, and I'm just afraid I'll hurt someone. Both literally and figuratively.

Whatever. I'm going to sleep.

I'm losing it

2008-08-18T22:09:00.001+08:00

I don't know if I'm just imagining it or something, but in chinese night lesson he seemed to keep looking at me. I really can't be sure. I'm seriously losing it. I need to get away.

runn-away. yeah.

I'm suffering.

I'm drowning.

I'm dying, and no one seems to notice.

Everything seems unreal to me in the day; I'm beginning to feel reality only when I read, or more often, during the times where I lie in bed and think whether all this is real or not. The chinese test tonight already seems so far away... Tomorrow I've gotta go out and make shirts. It's almost certain that I'm going to view it as unreal tomorrow night...as of Wednesday's tests.

The world is hollow, rotten from its core all the way out.

I don't even know how I cut myself last night. i don't even remember how I cut myself. I don't even know whether I cut myself subconsciously, or I scratched myself on something.

There's something seriously wrong with me.

Maybe I've been hurt by him. "A friendship lost is an act of betrayal". Wise words, from a wise mouth, from a wise friend. I'm glad I still have my di. I wish things were otherwise, but...

I've lost my soul; I've lost my heart, I've lost my will.

Save me. He who knows what it's like to be the last one standing.

Lost

2008-08-14T22:11:00.001+08:00

I currently don't know what to do. I think I absolutely hate him, but at the same time I still care. The miseries of a heart that's soft...

I am suffering under delusions; worried sick of events way beyond my control. I should have been concerned about so many other things, but no... Fate decides that right now, right here, I have to carry this plague with me.

The library is a horrible place. He was there; I don't know if I'm avoiding him or not. I sat at a table really far away; yet somehow Providence (or Irony) brought him to my table. Of course, along with a host of other, irritating people.

I don't know. For the first time in a long time I have no options to carry out. Whether this is because of stress, or because I've been so numbed about previous events, or simply because I'm tired... We'll see eventually, I guess. But for now, I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing; I seem to be waiting, but... I don't know.

I miss him, though. If nothing else, I have lost a dear friend. Maybe he was one who I haven't treated really well. I hope not, but if so, I'm sorry. Maybe it was his fault, and I simply gave up trying to accommodate him anymore. Maybe he just wasn't living up to what I thought a best friend should be. It's hard to find those nowadays. Everyone's so frightened, about something they shouldn't be afraid of, at all. Every little thing seems dangerous; a risk. People have forgotten ways of friends of old, where the very fact that you loved someone would be enough reason to do things you never knew, you never would do.

Times change. The people change along with it.

Bullshit

2008-08-13T23:33:00.001+08:00

The hostel is so full of bullshit. Yes. It's an expletive. I don't really care what they do now, cause they're just trying to be stupid and not trying to think for themselves for once.

I mean, sheesh, Foo just came up with the stupidest statement anyone could have made. "If your grades show improvement, you can get out of the programme (study time in library)."

Firstly, our CAP is calculated on a semestral basis; as the boarding master of NUS High school, Don't you think he should have known that??!! Sheesh!! What an ass man... It's impossible to pull any sort of grades up that much unless you miraculously get a 5 this semester, and on top of that be like super close to the 3.5 cutoff grade anyway. And he talks like you can drop out anytime, like once you get a good grade on the next test, you can get out of it... And it's suppose to be motivation for us. BWAHAHAHAHAHA. Uber funny, the way their mind works.

I knew it right from the start, the foo was a bad person. that's why, right from the start, I didn't like him. But no... everyone said I was being too negative, too pessimistic. Give him a chance, they said. He'll be nice. Now look. Still think I'm wrong?

No one listens to me when everything is going fine; not once has anyone actually listened and heeded me. Ironical. People usually say I'm not taking in the big picture. But I see further, know more and intuit so much deeper. Too bad I guess, for those who don't listen, and remember.

Whatever. Now isn't the time for I-told-you-so's. It is the time to take action against this. As this was written, I have already sent out an email to Ms Bong. I'm going to ask my dear parents to send in emails and letters. This useless hostel program had better be gotten rid of, and soon, or else it is going down. If not my parents, then some other parents. If not parents, teachers will start complaining that because of the stupid wastage of 2 hours in the early evening, students are forced to stay up late till like 2-3am, and therefore are too tired to hand in quality homework, or even stay awake in class.

So there. They wanted a battle; let's make it one to remember. Mr Lim once said to ask for whatever you want to see; Gandhi said that you have to be the change you want to see in the world. Mr Ng said do whatever you want, just don't get caught; many other teachers have said to always stand up for the right thing. And I respect all these teachers, and all their teachings, no matter what the subject or life lessons. And for these teachings I now stand up to the hostel; let them come. Let them try to fight back. Like I said; they wanted a battle. We're going to fight for what is right, for what's good for us, for what we want, and for the many generations of Yr 5s who are going to have to suffer through this. we will be a testament to them; the cohort which never gave up, and made this dratted world a little better for them to live in.

Let no one even try to stop me. If they mind it so much, take it up some other day, some other time. But right now, my fight is not with you. I've had wnough of the techniques of force used on us; they even threatened Aaron with an hourly report if I didn't go down for study time. And with that, they made it personal. I may break a few school rules now and then, but there are a few I never break; likewise, I live by a few principles that I have never, am never going to, and will never break. And one of these is that if you mess with my friends, you mess with me. NEVER try to get leverage over me by threatening my friends. This is between you and I, don't even think of sinking so low as to attack others. Because if you do... you'll get it. Hard, from me.

And don't try to dissuade me from anything. This is my mind, made up. If you don't like it, I'll deal with you some other day. As John said; the people that matter don't mind, but the people that mind... they just don't matter at all.

No... That's not it

2008-08-12T22:15:00.001+08:00

And yes, we're back to the same old argument again. And it's always sad to lose a friend, and have to go through the uncertainty of your relationship ever being made up or whatever... It's time to finally understand the meaning of the haiku:

A world of dewdrops.

And in every drop of dew;

A world of struggle.

Well... It's life I guess.

It sucks so much it makes you want to bite off your own tongue or drown yourself sometimes... Just a few days before Tioman, I found out a new way the world can kill you. Not you physically; they reserve that for the most basest and banal of crimes. After all, physical death is the type of death least painful to endure.

No, no; this is the way they kill us; our ideals, our creativity, our very souls. If not by letting you see their point of view, then by making you see their point of view; if not by making you see their point of view, then by making theie point the only one that matters.

I guess it's just another form of control to them; it's always easier to control anyone if they all wear the same things, do the same things, eat the same food. In other words, conform. And a few days ago, I learned I had to be myself in some other way.

How absolutely oxymoronic. But they expect you to do it. After all, if someone else can pay that price for conformity... why not you?

I won't give up though. Call me rebellious, call me whatever you like; I've seen too much, known too much, and I have too much to do to be bogged down by such moronic bindings and strictures. I've known too many people who've had that same spark; some who have lost it by now, some who lasted longer, and others who still stand up for what's fair and good and right. And I've caught that same spark, and known how much it has to hurt to keep it, just as how I used to imagine fireflies would burn in my hand once I caught them. But keep it I will. If not for me, then for my friends who lost the battle. If not now, then one day, when I have the power, and the will, and the right to show it... They'll see. They won't kill my soulfire; not with things like this. Not against a spark, or a flame, but a blazing inferno.

I guess a lesson here is that you should never rule by fear. Or intimidation. Or manipulation. You get followers, yes... agents which do their job to the best they can. Yet, agents, who you can never trust, because of the very fact that though the sealed the deal, the deal is not on your agenda. It's on theirs. Doing the wrong thing, for the right reason... bindings take on a life of their own, and sometimes metamorphose into something that you will never expect it to be... Something like that is almost certain to come back and bite you in the butt. Unpredictability... Of all people, we should be the ones who know how fast the weather can change.

Some people just don't understand

2008-08-12T17:54:00.001+08:00

And I know only one who does.

I thank God for bringing me to Tioman and getting to see all that nature in all its glory. And I learned so much more in those few days than I'll ever learn in a few weeks. And I can love it, all at the same time. And I believe that's how learning should be; you don't learn or study or whatever because you have to, or because someone forces you to, or because you need a good start in life. You learn because you want to; you learn because you love it, because you want it, because right here, right now, there's nothing else you would rather do.

When Mr Ng left us last night, the last thing I said to him was "Have fun." It wasn't "Go learn something," or "Earn loads of money," or even "Get a wife." He left because he had to; but he went to Shanghai because he wanted to.

When Alain left to Australia, I didn't tell him to "Come back with a degree", or "Hook up with an Aussie girl". All I said to him was to have fun. Yes; I told him to study hard; but I never told him to study every night from 8-9.30, then do homework from 9.30 to 10.30.... He left because he wanted to; I bet he's over there, studying because he wants to, not because he's forced to do so.

When I left, no one told me to force myself to study really hard cause I was in a "smart person school" now. I went because I chose to; I've always studied because I chose to.

See a pattern? Apparently no one does. It's not reason enough to say that since you're supposed to be studying anyways, what difference does it make to go to the library? And it's equally not right to say that our boarding rules are so lax compared to other schools; just go down and study in the library.

If the library is such a wonderful place to study, why isn't everyone going down there? Why isn't the whole boarding school willingly going down there? There is, after all, no reason to force someone to do something that they already like, and is useful to them.

So what if you think I should go down to the library to study. That's an opinion; you don't have any right to force me to go down, just because you think it's good for me. I don't even trust you, in every aspect of my life. Why should I trust you that's it's better down there? God never left the choice of salvation just open like that; He had to make himself like us, small, fragile, pathetic, gain our trust, then open up the possibility of saving us. In the end, it's still our choice. He still cannot do anything if we don't choose Him.

And I don't see the reasoning behind: "If he can do it, so can you.". Are you stupid?! Just because someone studies because he's forced to, doesn't mean I work that way. Haven't you heard of the expression, "Everyone is unique.". Most people nowadays think it's just a fancy way of saying that no one is really special, that mentality has just spread, and become so much worse. So be it.

Let the world rot. I'll be leaving it in about seventy more years anyway.

And they say Singapore kids are getting apathetic. Ask yourselves; just who are the people who stifle creativity, choke uniqueness and discourage individuality?

Tioman

2008-08-11T22:32:00.001+08:00

IT WAS FUN!! We're going back there next Sept hols. I hope. And it's as 5D, so anyone who's not personally invited had better stay out of it. XD

We really had fun at tioman, though it could have been much better without alot of the people there... Still, it isn't something you get to experience everyday; the magic of a sunset stroll on the beach, of being close enough to a shoal of fish to almost touch them but yet slow enough to never be able to, to have no worries, really small cares and the company of friends. It could have been better, but it was good enough.

I lost a snorkel though. Had to pay like 80 RM, so I owe Vanessa like 40 SGD now. Haizz.

The place was damn nice; snorkelling was the greatest thing we could do there, but it was so worth it... And it's great that I actually had an underwater camera. Took some photos, but too bad I'm totally blind underwater, so I had a really hard time even swimming around. I need to like get at least 900 degreee goggles. They'll be really useful.

Fun as it was, it's really great to be back too. At least, I have a whole bed to myself. My back hurts from sleeping sideways, my ear is sore cause I lay weirdly on it on a pillow, and I have been freezing for the past 3 nights. Lennard's a good blanket stealer.

However fun Tioman was, there was always the nagging thought at the back of my mind, and it sort of ruined things for me a little. Firstly there was mr ng leaving, of course... But apart from that there was homework and all that. It's really horrible to be on a holiday and have to keep worrying about other stuff. Even though I didn't do that alot, still... it could have been better.

I want to go back there again. Whether as a Teacher Advisor next year or on our own as 5D, I want to go back again. I need to get away from all the things here, and just focus on having fun or hanging out with people or relaxing. I don't want to worry about school, or work, or people that I hate... I need more time to myself, and more time to spend with those I love. I need more time to just watch sunsets, and poke around in the inter-tidal areas, and snorkel and marvel at what He's given us. Right here, and right now, we just can't do it.

Well, I have all my life to go back I guess. But before my youth and capacity for having fun and ignoring bad things runs away, I want to go back one more time. And it's always nice to know that, if in such a weird place which isn't even that famous we can find such beauty and serenity, wouldn't there be so much more of that elsewhere in the world?

I believe

2008-08-04T00:15:00.001+08:00

That kor is a good person inherently... Even though he's sometimes really evil to me. He's a good person and a great kor.

That people are, in general, all either backstabbers, spiritbreakers, or slave owners. Especially hostel.

That sometimes friends are more trouble than their worth. Still, it saddens me alot.

That you can never be too busy for a friend. In more ways than one, this applies alot to my life.

That some people ought to be shot. And spat upon. And put away and ignored. ~~Japooooon!~~

That up to now, I'm still not happy. No one can listen, no one can understand, and the person who can do all that is not with me.

That I was a fool to leave Temasek. Baka... If you have everything going for you, don't give it up.

In standing up to what is correct and right. I don't care what they say, what they do or what they tell you to do, but if it's not fair and just and has no reason to be complied with, I don't think you should do it if you don't want to. So there.

That I am not enjoying this school. At all.

That I am losing friends. Too many, too fast. I don't believe this; I know it. And no matter what others say, I know it's true, and it's happening, and not the way most people think.

That I owe no debts to the people whom I block, dao, or hate. I've already paid my debts, in full.

That I am severely depressed. I'm actually thinking of killing myself, then thinking that I'm being stupid. It's weird seeing myself so detached.

That I should be going to sleep right now. It's past midnight, and my arm hurts. Good night.

6000 km and counting...

2008-07-28T14:12:00.001+08:00

My fingers hurrt. Alot. Thanks to Lennard.

Ah, I'm ok... mostly. Really tired from China and I have some sort of diarrhoea (its correct spelling!) as a souvenir too. Nice right.

Anyways I liked the plane ride best. Having people serve you drinks and stuff is all nice and stuff, but it's even better when they actually ask you what you want. And the airplane food was the best food I could handle so far, with the exception of the pizza hut incident...

We went over to the airport at like 6am last Tuesday, and it's been whirlwind-ish since then. Sat on plane. Arrived in Shanghai Pudong. Sat on bus (grr no maglev train) to hotel. Slacked off for rest of night after small briefing. Went out to buy food at night (illegal much!!) Went to buy like drinks (2L bottle omgomg) and saw a KFC.

Second day was horrible, was supersuper hothothothot.... Like even hotter than Singapore la, and I thought that was impossible on it's own. Not only that we went to walk here and there and they brought us to so many freaking places... some museum, then a robot testing thing that was super dusty... And we discovered a hands-on of the effect of expansion and contraction of gases; Josay's bottle was like empty and he capped it outside in the super hot air, then we went inside to the robot lander thing and put it in front of the aircon and it shrunk so much that the bottle sort of piaked... Which was super cool. And there was this mini-science centre thing that had a Jacob's ladder and some Bernoulli's principle behind it. All it did was make stuff float like without hovering, I think Mao has some pics...

And if I remember correctly we went out again to buy food cause for lunch or some late 4.30 tea we ate at this restaurant which you had to cook your own food and they had little fire pots and stuff to do that with... Something like our steamboat in Singapore except the cooking pot was individual. It was cool. So we went to this super-market in the afternoon and bought like some stuff (food, more drinks, etcetc. Did you know that their drink cans are 355 mL? WOW), and our dear Mao and Shenrong bought 400 yuan of stuff. From a supermarket!! Like a toy walkie talkie, loads of food, a heart shaped flyswatter... ZZZ

Anyways we went out again in the night and took a taxi all the way back to the supermarket. Found it closing so we went to buy bubble tea outside and walk walk abit. Decided to walk back, then saw this little igloo thingie selling CDs and DVDs. At 16 yuan for one. NOT PIRATED. OMG. (exchange rate: 1SGD:5YUAN) So we bought some stuff (I didn't :D) and slowly waled back. On the way we saw a streetside shop selling DVDs. Again we bought a few (I didn't :D) but when we tested them back at the hotel they were lousy quality. REALLY LOUSY QUALITY. But who cares. I think they were like 1 sing dollar each? lols

So beginith out third day. We went to this science centre-like place, and I bought the penguin from there. XD But more importantly, we had great fun going in some of their exhibits and playing around. There was the mystery of reproduction or something, and in the end cause me and Mao and the scholars went to watch some Dinosaurs 3D (in chinese!!) movie we couldn't see the light exhibits. (jack+josay didn't go watch with us. Lucky them.) So we missed out on the physics-y part of the whole science centre. But it's ok cause we went to this observation tower that had 200 stories later. There was a rollercoaster inside but it was closed. Sad right. The main thing was, you could see like reallyreally far away, and it was so much fun... you could see how much pollution there was in the air, it was super hazy, but we still managed to take loads of photos. And we had fun riding the elevator, which rose at a speed of 7m/s and stopped in 48 seconds. And there was this human recorder inside who was the guide, but they all sounded like they simply memorised the lines instead of knowing what they meant. I mean it was like chinese, which was okay, then Jap, which sounded flat, then english, which REALLY sounded flat. It was worse cause all she did was stare blankly into space when she said that. It's so much like a memorised script.

We went to this museum thingie which was like 100km long and spun like a maze inside. The whole history of Shanghai was there, and the times were represented by wax figures. Which was veryvery scary. And apparently people kept throwing money into the exhibits where there were ships, so a running joke was that there was money to be found floating on the surface of the seas and rivers of shanghai. and on the ships themselves, cause some people missed I guess.

We went to this floating restuarant at night, ate there and drank wine hahahas. Then kena confiscated when the waiter came around and said "your teacher doesn't allow you to drink." Sad right. What a waste of good wine. Anyways it was the Shang Hai Tan or something; basically it was on the river, and there were so many lights and we took loads of pics hahas.

On friday we had a rocket competition at a school. You had to have your rocket stay in the air the longest, and we used gunpowder for the fuel!! Super cool. And they had a demonstration later of the water rockets, which were called "水火箭", and we heard "水果箭". So we though they were launching fruit rockets instead of water rockets. Super funny I tell you...

Anyways we won first prize. Mao, Shenrong, Tianwei and me. Yay for glory to our school... lols. We went to this 古城 afterwards (some old city next to the school.), and bought some stuff again. Took loads of pics, and I paid 3 yuan for a stone. It's a pumice stone, the stone that floats on water. REALLY COOL. Though abit the ripped-off, though yet againit's only 60 singapore cents, so... Ah well. Went back to hotel super tired only to be told to go to watch the quiz round. We sent Hongbo. Didn't win anything from our school, (not his fault!!) but still kinda sian. Was too tired la I guess.

On Saturday we went to this temple (apparently a temple, I didn't even know it was a temple until I looked at the itinery in English. It was super modernised and was more of a shopping street than anything else.) Anyways Shenrong bargained green lasers from 500 yuan (crazy. super marked up.) to 93.75 yuan for us. (3 lasers 95 yuan, last laser 90 yuan) Even better, these were 10 milliwatt lasers. COOLIOUS. BEST PURCHASE EVER!!! HAHAHAS.

bought some stuff for njw and Mr Lim cause they're leaving. bought torches. bought some souvenirs. Saw this old woman who asked for a bottle from josay (you know like in singapore they collect cans of drinks to sell for scrap. apparently bottles are collected in Shanghai more, cause I saw two old people collecting bottles on the whole trip.) She was super happy when josay gave her his bottle of drink. I still had to much to quickly drink up, but only after we walked away Mao realised that she had an empty bottle of water in her bag. So we turned back to give her the bottle, and she was like super happy... So cute. I almost donated money to her hahas... What a nice old woman.

We walked past the laser seller like three times to get that bargain, and that was the least of everything. There was so much bargaining, and sometimes when we decided we didn't want to buy it the shopkeepers would scold us. Some people are horrible. Ate at pizza hut. Spent exactly 150 yuan for all 5 of us (tianwei hongbo went off on their own, and pocket money was 30 yuan per person. So 6 sing bucks for lunch. Total price=30 sing bucks for a pizza hut meal for 5. Isn't that just so nice. Don't you wish you stayed there... cheap meals, cheap goods, cheap everything... How nice for njw... except the heat)

Bought loads of stuff at the chenghuang temple place. Laser, torches, a drawing of sorts for mr ng... and mr lim. anyways we then went to a museum and all we did there was slack and sit down. Then came nanjing road. What a horrible road. It's like super long road of high-class shopping, and we had to walk down the entire length of it. Saw a Breadtalk at the end (面包新语, not 面包讲话)， bought 3 pieces of bread and ate them all... Also found this shop selling some ice-kachang like dessert. Bought the strawberry (草莓) one, and Mao bought the green bean (green bean juice!) and jack bought the mango flavoured one (芒果). Learned alot of new cheena words then XD. I should stay in China longer man... I'll probably get like a C or even a B in chinese soon.

Nanjing road is really long. That's what I learned too. Hahas...

We had this closing ceremony where we sort of crashed the whole hotel restaurant serving us... They gave us a rocket (which btw we already bought before, so mao shenrong tianwei and me have 3 rockets yay... ) and some souvenirs. Discovered by word of mouth that there WAS internet, all you had to do was plug ur com into the lan port. sian right... didn't know at all. Anyways, packed up and prepared to go home.

We sat on the Maglev train on the way back to the airport. So fun. So fast. I have some pictures of the train's speed, it went up to 400+ km/hr. Half the speed of the plane. Almost. Cool right. The waiting for the train took 15 mins, but the ride itself lasted 8 minutes only. Kinda retarded... Well, went back to the airport and went home. Josay got caught at like every check-point... First was his check-in luggage kena caught cause he had too many batteries/lasers/etc in his pencil case. Passed eventually after he opened it up and stuff.

When we got past immigration he kena again. They saw the gunpowder rocket and I think panicked a little. Opened it up and like peered inside. LOL. Poor josay.

Asked for cards in flight, saw a sunset through a window in the plane (not window seat but still can see abit. So cool.), landed, passed immigration, took bag, bought macs (i bought a big mac meal and upsized it just to get the cup XD.) and took a taxi back to school with the scholars. And yup, I'm back here again XD. Loads of tests and stuff, but who cares. I didn't go to school today. Had diarrhoea and was really tired. Ah well. I'm going out to eat now. Lol. *HUNGRY*

FRIDAY'S HERE

2008-07-18T09:30:00.001+08:00

First thankies baobao... Now its 9.23 in the morning, and we got drama liao.

The year 4s are damn funny; they could actually have a fight when they were having PE. Which was amazing. Lucky Mitchell was right there la. Stopped the two idiots, apparently one of them is Jensen and the other is some unknown guy. But seriously, how old are you man... And I don't care what the reason might be I don't think it's correct to really start fighting and beating each other up all of a sudden. This is what our school stands to produce man... Haizz.

Anyways me and Aaron spent the whole time looking at them through binocs; right after they started fighting Aaron took out his binocs and we just stared at them, like birds or something. It was quite hilarious, then we decided to look throught the little gaps in the metal grille instead of over the whole thing, cause it was getting abit too obvious, and we were afraid someone would like come find us and all. But it was still great entertainment.

Coming back to the thing that really matters, thanks Bao for writing that... But it's still rather saddening and all though. Something tells me that it's probably not going to fix itself before school gives out at the end of the year. And that's the way it goes I guess...

No school today, the most wonderful day of the week... Friday rocks. No ODAC cause I gotta go for the China trip briefing, and even then I have a feeling that I'm gonna be late for astro too. And yeah, that's it for now, and I think I'll spend the entire day sleeping or something. *Hopefully*

Happy Birthday!! XD

2008-07-16T21:08:00.001+08:00

I decided to not post this in the same paragraphs or something with all those depressing things... So this is my lighter note:

BIRTHDAY SHOUTOUT TO SPONGE!! MY BEST FRIEND SINCE FOREVER, AND BEST DI EVER!!

IR my ass

2008-07-16T21:01:00.001+08:00

Look at it this way; it's tearing apart the whole level. I've seen more of my IR group and my mentor than some people who I live next to. Together with the coincidental slurry of people travelling here and there, going to conferences, going and coming back overseas... I hate it.

It wasn't always like this. People didn't use to be too busy or too stressed out to even spend some time with their friends. Once there was a time when our timetables were fuller; yet we still somehow found the time to go out and catch a movie, or slack around, or just spend time with friends. Yet now we're rarely having back-to-back lessons from 8am to 5.30pm like we used to in Year 3 or 4, but we only seem to be able to relax, let our hair down and slack off willingly when there's like, Frisbee. Or DOTA. Or CS. I never needed games to be able to spend time with my friends; it's something we've forgotten here in this school. Of all our chances to just have fun and relax with each other, there's no better time. And no one seems to see that, and they may say everything about how I'm so slack and not motivated, but still... they've lost it. And I lose them. Probably forever.

It pains me to lose anyone; not losing anyone was one of the things I promised myself when I hit Sec 1. And as it turns out, there're many ways in which those words could be interpreted; but the main reason I swore those things to myself was to prevent me from causing the loss of any one of my friends. And it's just not working out here.

I'm already giving up; it doesn't matter whether I'm able to save everyone of them, or hold on to everyone. But still, a big part of me wants that to happen. But it knows that if even my best friends are drifting away... it must be serious. If I can't count on these people, who am I going to have to count on?

Situational awareness; most people here have just forgotten that, forgotten it as if it never existed. I remember every debt I ever owed; not just in the most basic terms as of money, but of favours done for me, with things done with me, with time spent with me. And people don't seem to get that at all. They're leading all their selfish lives, going all on without thinking about what they're really doing. And that's just sad; they can't see something right in front of their eyes, but can calculate velocities and predict mechanisms and remember facts. It's so ironic.

It's hard to lose friends, but even harder to have to live through the losing process of a best friend, to see things degrade in front of your very eyes, and have no power to do anything to change it.

It's hard to stand by and observe. It's hard to wait and cross your fingers and hope that something can change in time, or to wish that things could go back to before, or hope that past problems won't repeat themselves.

It's hard to be a Watcher.

The darkest day in theo's history

2008-07-15T23:14:00.001+08:00

Today is a sad day in the history of theo. Oh it was fun. Bio quiz. Then sleeping. And singing in the Ms Kong Fan Club. (Ms KFC).

Tomorrow I'll have cake for breakfast. Hooray. Fun eh. But not my life. I miss temasek. I miss my friends, both of the past and those that were there just 2 months ago. People change. Sometimes I can't help but feel, for the worse.

IR tomorrow. Yay. Before that, Inorganic Chem. After IR, sleep. And wish Sponge a happy birthday. Sometimes I feel I have the potential to be either a goth or a totally hyped up person. I'm like a needle, just waiting, dancing, shivering on a knife's edge. Ready to fall. Soon.

Bad things are happening. Once again, soon. It's on my board; "a chill wind passes, and I dread the day I ask: 'Are we still friends?'"

Good night. And thanks for even coming here.

Gray Sky Morning

2008-07-13T15:19:00.001+08:00

WHOO no blogging in a long time... Had astro last night, which was really tiring cause of little kids running around... It makes you wonder if we deserve it for causing our own seniors so much trouble. And if only when we were younger if we hadn't caused them so much trouble, would we be getting trouble right now?

Anyways, Mr Ng has apparently found a new job. Wow what a nice way to end a half year "not working" spree. XD. He's leaving on 12 August, and I have a feeling it's at about 5 something according to the schedule on the SIA website. It's so useful. Yet kinda not sure if you don't have real places and dates of the flights. So we'll see.

We're thinking of meeting up with him on that day, at least those who can. There's PE on that day at 4.30pm, so yeah we had better just try to get back on time. If his flight is even at 5pm hahas.

It's so sad. But a part of life I guess. I'm going to cry... Haizz.

On a lighter note, China trip is next week. Briefing on 18th (a Friday), and then we're off. Hooray. Haizz I really hope most of us can go see Mr Ng off. Really alot of things happening; China, Tioman, Mr Ng leaving, just finished some scouts-astronomy collaboration. IR just started, and we're like going to Japan to present our project when we're done...

Sometimes I wish I had a friend from Temasek here. Just watched the Temasek videos again; read my Espace profile thing, which said that I was going to join water sports... It's such a long time ago that we did that, and so many things have changed since then. And seeing all the Temasek people in the video, I wished I was still with them. Many things have indeed changed... I need to go back to them one day. I'm going to cry again... Today's a sad day for me I guess.

It just shows how easy it is for me to fall apart I guess. And I can't help but think how we're all falling apart already, and going our own seperate ways. Johno isn't coming over alot anymore to slack with me; Raddy doesn't talk as much to me anymore. Kor's the same as always; he's mellowed a little and puts up with my crap abit more... YH and MH and even Bao are so busy nowadays, what with flying, or IR or council, it's hard to find time to even talk with them. Aaron's doing his music stuff, Pam and Char and even Michelle are doing their new band thing, or some other music stuff... Ryan's always DOTAing or in Counterstrike Source; Mel's kinda going for alot of of symposiums and stuff and I'm not seeing her as much as before... And a whole host of other people are always too busy to like just DO stuff.

I feel like going out with sponge. That's what best friends do. It's also something I haven't done in a long time. Everytime we go out I have to drag someone along with me, and it always just feeling like they're tagging along, instead of having fun. And there's always the feeling like tehy would rather not be here at all, and it spoils the whole thing. Even from Johno...

I really miss the old days. And yeah I almost cried again...

Looking out my window now, all I see are clouded skies, and oddly enough, they're exactly how my life feels right now. And I know you're supposed to look for silver linings and ray of sunshines, but sometimes, like now, it's horribly difficult.

I have so much to do now, and it feels like Alain leaving all over again.

I will NEVER, NEVER, NEVER do anything like that to my friends. Ever.

I can't. And I won't. I did it once. And now I know how they felt. And I've left them far behind. It's just not worth it. Not one bit. And so guys; I'm sorry. I'll be back one day. I just need you people to wait. And believe. And trust me, even though I don't deserve it at all. Cause one day, I'll be back. And this time, I'll be the one waiting for you to come back.

I love you all.

I'm FAT!!!

2008-06-28T22:16:00.001+08:00

meaning: First-Aid Trained

CERTIFIED FIRST AIDER!!. (finally. what a lame course XD)

Yesterday was... manymany feelings. Johno went away. I'm so scared he'll never come back... Yet some weird part of me thinks he probably will. I wonder why?

Also, on Friday, something weird, wonderful and absolutely great happened. Something unexpected happened too. And something horribly, horribly un-needed, unwanted, and GAH happened too. Start guessing.

Well, in the weird yet wonderfully, absolutely great category, we have Johno being our new ODAC Captain!!!. WHOOOOOO. Shuhui's our new Vice-Captain!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOO. Yet it's kinda sad cause this also implies that the Yr 6's won't be with us for very long, (like one more week?) and that's why handover is like now. So ODAC will be shrunk to a meagre six Yr 5's and one Yr4. Or something like that.

The thingies in the "unexpected" category should have to go to... well that kor went to basketball practice. Also, my toaster works perfectly, after giving me some troubles at first... o.O Don't have to change it liao XD. Astro cleanup day was an enormous success; next thing to think about will have to be "Youthniversal Studios" for Youth day and the upcoming (hopefully) astro outing to some astro convention. One more thing to go in here; astro's pizza was dedicated to me after some big mouth (nope I'm not saying any namesMAOWEE!) told Mr Lim Thursday was my birthday. So yeah.

For the horribly un-needed, unwanted, and GAH-rish happenings... well, there's only one these two days, and it has to do with ODAC. *says no more* If you know, good for you!! XD. If you don't PISS OFF. You can't be a friend. At all. zzz

Anyways, back to the first point; just finished the first aid course XD. Feels really free now. Like I don't need to worry if I fail it sometime in the future. It's an extremely libertaing feeling. I like it XD...

I hope Johno's OK... China must be really weird for us CHEENA-illiterate. I threatened him with disMEMBERment if he came back a chinese genius. (which basically means no more father's day to all you socially and sheesh kinda people -.- AND NO, I didn't find a way to force him to wear condoms for the rest of his life; and though that kinda has the same effect, it's not entirely the same procedure... o.O)

*feels excited about Tioman, even though it's like more than a month away* I guess I feel excited about going overseas with friends alot. There's also MY china trip. Which I'm mentally prepping myself for. XD

Birthday surprises...

2008-06-26T23:29:00.000+08:00

It's one of those things where you think really should have noticed, but you don't until the thing actually happens and is over. Kor and Johno disappeared yesterday for like so long, and I was like actually wondering what happened to them... And then I went for AXIS and then filming of the weird thing for ODAC and astro, and then I was super tired and went to slack off in my room... That's probably why I didn't notice anything weird at all. Or maybe they're really good at hiding things from me. Hmm...

Anyways, it's really nice to be loved like this... Johno HAD to go out and buy stuff that I was only joking about getting... like a new Bluetooth adapter thingie cause my com doesn't have built in Bluetooth. Thanks to everyone who bought stuff for me and especially to everyone who wished me today; it really means alot to me. *loves you all*

Another thing to note is how kor's gotten alot nicer to me in the past few days, and especially so today. He's been less suanning, so much more supportive and muchmuch more KINDER then... well ever. Thanks kor for even trying; you're the best!! XD

I had a spat with Johno yesterday about something stupid... Reduced to tears in the end. I don't know; I suddenly remembered he was going to like go away for a longlonglong time and I couldn't like let him leave without at least trying to patch things up with him cause he may not come back and all, but by then I had already stormed off into my room and I didn't know what to do so I decided to like just go to sleep... Then Conrad came in and started saying things which made me feel even worse but I guess he was correct and I love him for doing so cause well, everything's all right with everyone now. Thanks to Raddy for always being there for me! XD. And look. I'll always be looking out for you too, whenever you need me man...

Anyways it's getting really late and I'm getting rather tired and tomorrow there's no lesson except CHEENA and CCA and mentoring... Gonna be really boring man. And I gotta change my bag to the new one XD. ZINC ROCKS XD!!

Once again, thanks to everyone who made this day special for me. I don't forget the old debts, and you'll be surprised at the convenient time I usually pay them back. XD

A new private server...

2008-06-24T23:04:00.001+08:00

People are too busy with a new private server to play with me... You would think that since he might like die in 3 days or so in some weird country in China or something he might wanna spend more time with people... or that's what I would do anyways. But no one's like bothering to play with me liao... Very sad...

They're setting up a new server, which I bet is gonna be really laggy due to school internet. I dont know at all, I think I'll like stick to studying really hard for Bio and English and Lit and Maths this year. And that's all, unless Chem turns out to be really fun and stuff. So maybe no maple at all, whoever may host the server.

Unless, of course, if I have loads of free time on my hands.

Anyways, they asked us to go down to the library today for study time. I'm not going at all, like I said yesterday. I can't study there at all, and anyways, it's super noisy now with so many people going down cause of the 3.5 CAP limit. Also, most of them waste their time talking and whatnot; I'll rather be alone in my room doing my own homework, I get it done and over with quickly and I have totally lesser distractions. I have a com which I need to type on, I can simply sleep once I'm done or at least rest, and what's more, I don't have to freeze in the library waiting for 9.30 when you can finally go back to your room.

It's useless down there; I don't see a point going there myself, it's not going to help my grades, it's only going to push them down. It's just that the school or the hostel has some stupid mentality that oh, let's send all the stupid people to the library, and hopefully, due to the great big "STUDY AURA" of the library, they'll get better grades. And they're setting the benchmark of 3.5 so high because they simply want to play safe; if anyone still gets lower grades at the end of the year, they can say, "oh, we did our best and he's just not working hard.", and if they do well enough, they can simply say: "Look, our system works perfectly.".

It's all just some showing off stunt to (obviously) show off to like the rest of the world that we have the bestest, world class, hostel studying school experience. Retards. So I'm not going down there at all, and all these reason will totally support my argument:

Firstly, I can bet that if I go down to the library, my CAP this sem will definitely be lower then that of last sem. I'm 100% positive that I don't need the library to help me "push up" my grades.

Secondly, if I do go to the library, I won't study there. I won't carry a heavy book down just to please someone "high up there", when I can simply study in my own room. Also, most of my work takes place on the computer; I'm not bringing that down since I have a room here, and even if I did, it's going to die in like 30- 45 mins. And with the highly inflated population at the library, do you seriously think that I can get a spot to plug it in? And say I start doing work on it, and the power dies. What do I do for the rest of the time there? And since my work is mostly Lit, I'll probably lose my train of thought. It's so obviously fraught with so many problems...

Thirdly, it's not a conducive environment. Like I said, it's so noisy down there already with the bursting new population, and you want to squeeze more people inside? It's hard to study in the main library where you can't discuss, and even in the discussion room, it's both too noisy with so many people, and also wayyy too crowded.

So I'm not going down. At all. If anyone wants to drag me down, they can try. But I'll wager with them that if I do go down, I'll 110% get a much lower CAP then if I had stayed up in my room , and definitely a much lower CAP then last sem. Kudos.

We're finally back in hostel

2008-06-23T21:42:00.000+08:00

First day of school... What a horrible timetable. It's stupid how they want to kill us with great big breaks in between one hour lessons.

Also, apparently anyone with a CAP below 3.5 has to go to the library for study time. I'm obviously not going; it's useless to go there anyways, you spend your time sleeping or feeling cold. And I can't study down there, it's too big a group and I can't keep quiet when I'm studying. What's more, my Cap is only just below 3.5, and I don't see why they think going to the library will improve my grades. Or anyone else's for that matter.

Good luck on getting me to go down. Ever.

And then he said...

2008-06-18T18:59:00.001+08:00

Terribly tired the whole day today. Yesterday was killer tiring and I guess I'm still feeling the after-effects of it. Woke really late today. Ached everywhere until di came over. Kena whacked all over but it felt so wonderful. Maybe I'll suffer bruises for a week afterwards but hahas.

At least kor can cycle now (sort of). And we're gonna cycle one of these days and practice on the track or field or something. So he won't keep popping out that leg everytime he stops. And if our timetable is as empty as before it'll help to kill some of the boring spare times.

Aches slowly returning... Getting di to massage more is fun. Too bad so expensive...

I have made a promise to myself not to talk to Johno. At all. Any way at all. Hmph. Unfortunately it gets really boring at home. *sigh*

Dinnering... Feeling a little sad now. -.-

It's way too late

2008-06-16T19:51:00.001+08:00

to apologise.

Feeling sad. No one wants to go swimming tomorrow. So I guess I'll go myself. Again. More like as usual. When did we lose our childhood?

I don't even feel the same as them anymore. They have different ways of having fun; like they're all gonna play frisbee for the whole day. No one wants to go swimming, or playing with sand or just playing in the water. It's so different, and it's not as fun as before. I wish everything would just go back to the way it was long ago.

I used to have fun just by myself, or with a few friends. We didn't need computers or had to go out and play badminton or frisbee or whatnot. We just had fun talking and chatting and hanging out. On the rare occasion, we would go swim in the pool, and when my di first met me, all we used to do was that. We used to go out and talk and walk around TM, or parkway... Have lunch, head over to his house or someone else's for some Playstation, have dinner there maybe, then head home. That's how I used to spend my whole holidays. And I guess that's why he's still my best friend, and that's why I don't seem to have one here. Everyone has to go out and watch a movie, or "do an activity". We can't have a proper slacking off time, really, truly doing NOTHING.

We (meaning sponge shenglian maybe aleem? or huiting salmah or liyong) used to go to siglap mac's and stay there till almost 6 or even 7 sometimes. Straight after school at 2.30 or so, all the way to the evening. That's hanging out, and that's having fun.

Now when I ask people to go to Mac's to do just that, it's always either they're too tired, or they have no money, or there's no time or a waste of time, or they just don't want to cause it's lame. And that's for almost everything I ask, except for things like frisbee (which I never ask for. I haven't liked frisbee since I made Ryan's teeth bleed in Pri 5 or 6 or something from that stupidly thrown frisbee.)

I don't get it la... A best friend is like supposed to go do stuff with you unless its like killing yourself or something. I know if anyone asked me to like waste a whole day at starbucks or Mac's or even at Sentosa I would say yes immediately, unless I was allergic to something like water and couldn't swim, or I was busy, or I reallyreally can't stand like say rock climbing. Then he shouldn't be asking me to go in the first place. Not that I hate rock climbing or swimming or stuff... But if someone asked me to go watch a movie that I've watched before, I think I'll just go again if I have the time and money. It's what friends do. It's what friends should do. It's what I have with sponge, or I used to have... It's what I used to have with Huiting too. And Val and Poh-e And Daryl and Hoyin and Aleem and Shenglian and Boon and Alain and Yichao.

Yet it's something I don't have here. The sad fact is, in coming here, I know I've lost more than what I gained in terms of an advantage in life and studies. Who cares about those when you have to give up great people, great classes, and even greater friends. After all, people are more important than anything else. Sometimes I think I'm one of few who understand that. Cause simply I know that if my friends have to break everything I own (almost everything) in order to have fun or learn life experiences, I know I could still live with that in the end.

Like if they mess up my car or spill drinks in it in the future, I wouldn't care less (unless it's on purpose). Which is more important in life: your possessions, or your relationships? In the end, on your deathbed, it's not grades or cars or houses or land deeds you're going to want to hug or kiss or spend time with. It's your friends, your family, your kids, your wife. And they're all people. SO who cares about grades. I'll take the chance at making more friends then having good grades, anytime, any day.

I've lost it, and its a slim chance to ever get those things back. Like Daryl said and like I quoted in the previous post, "We should have stopped time at Sec 2". And once again, I have to say I agree fully. Growing up is a painful thing to do. We should have stopped time. We really should have.

The things that you forgot...

2008-06-14T22:40:00.001+08:00

Are the things that matter most.

"I wish we had stopped time at Sec 2". Words from my best friend Daryl. Or daledan. It was always a cool name. And yeah, I do wish that too... It's sad, seeing how things have changed. We're all different now; what's worse is knowing that this might have all been better. And it's all because of me. Or at least a choice I made. Not like I was essential to their survival or anything... But I get the feeling that I hurt them alot when I left. And... things changed after I left; that's the way I see it. I mean, I would never want anyone to leave right now, ever again; if that happened I guessed I would feel really depressed and angry at them for leaving even though I won't ever say it to them, and I'll feel all betrayed and stuff but I'll never ever ever let them know.....

GAH. getting emotional. But I'm really sick of this already. We should have stopped time. We should have like taken millions of photos every event. This is why I need a camera. Screw my parents. Always no money. When I have kids the first thing they're gonna get when they hit Sec 1 is a camera. Preferably video. I guess the lesson learned is to treasure what you have, even though it seems to last forever. I mean, when I started Sec 1, I never realised I would one day be failing Chinese not in Temasek, but in NUSHS. And I never though about actually getting to Sec 4 or now, JC 1. I guess in short... I never thought I would grow up.

It's weird thinking back now. I never used to give a heck about my future. It was all about streaming, getting into triple science classes, getting maybe a 5-7 for O levels? Basically I was thinking about getting into Victoria JC, or at least TJC; if not then I'll follow Sponge to TPJC or something like that... And that was the end of my goals. Now I'm thinking about army (seriously. who would have thought), and A levels, and Universities, and overseas trips, and even maybe coming back here to teach something... It's so scary. I don't think I'll make it.

And I'm actually starting to think about things like friends dying and stuff. And chances are that 30% of all my friends are not going to die of old age, and definitely some are going to die like, suddenly. And I'll look back and wonder what would I have done right now, if I had known, right now, that they were going to, say, die in a car accident at age 3x, or something like that. And I had better start taking pictures, and start doing things, cause you never know what might happen...

And a part of me is always saying that I should just go out and have fun to treasure what remaining time I have left with my friends; yet the more practical part of me keeps saying that, no, I can't go off hot air ballooning around the world, or going to the Great Barrier Reef, or going to Africa to catch animals for some zoo, or going to Ayers rock and the Grand Canyon, or the Sahara, or taking a 28 day OBS course, or going to Japan to try out those great big hot spring things, or travelling to Antarctica to see penguins, or going to Canada to see snow; all with Johno or Conrad or korkor or someone cause no, you've got to like get married and find a job and have kids, then you have to settle down and like be in one place cause I can't and I won't move my kids from place to place... And another part of me just screams out to get my butt out there, cause if people are dying... We have to help them, and save them. We can't just let them all die like that, we have to show them God and save them and whatnot, it's not right... And it's ok to die after you've accepted Christ, cause in the end we'll still be together and stuff... But not when you haven't! It's all so screwed up...

I'm so tired... I can't take much more of this anymore...

I don't know...

2008-06-13T21:06:00.001+08:00

Well, back from astro camp... Kinda pissed at korkor... we were supposed to go out to watch Kung Fu panda tomorrow... Was really looking forward to it the whole camp then now he says he's watched it already.

I mean maybe to him it's nothing and I could just watch it myself or get a dvd or download it or watch it online or whatever, but I was really looking forward to like going out with him and slacking off tomorrow... *feels sad*

Anyways if you noticed its Friday the 13th... Just a note hahas. Hope nothing bad's gonna happen to Johno at KK, I'm kinda really worried... o.O.

I realised I actually miss school alot; I'll rather be at school with friends then slack off at home with nothing to do... Weird huh...

Haizz. Really disappointed about tomorrow... At least Tuesday there's a Sentosa trip. Gonna grab Johno and force him to go swimming XD. I wonder if Raddy is going too.. O.o. Kor's going too, and we're gonna teach him how to cycle hahas. Anyways.... tired now... I've been tired ever since the start of astro camp. Weird. Maybe I should go find a doctor... I probably have cancer or some energy draining disease... Seriously. That would be fun. It could be my IR; A Study On The Symptoms, Conditions, and Treatment of Cancer. COOL XD.

Theo's kinda bored now

2008-05-21T20:37:00.001+08:00

I've decided to blog again cause I have nothing to do today. This just shows how bad life can get for Theo here.

I'm going to China by the way. Mr Lim says that Johno and Cheryl are going on a different trip from me and Mae and Hongbo. Which is kind of sad. But Johno mentioned something about the "other trip" before, so I'm just hoping it really is a different trip that they're going to, and that they can come to the Aerospace camp too. Cause it's no fun to be stuck in China with barely anyone to talk to. Or bully. Or crap around with. Or fine, there'll be less people to talk and crap and slack with if they turn out to be going for some other trip instead.

Johno's being mean in Lux's room. And I'm going to ignore him from now on. Hmph. Just came up from a session of weirdness with Aaron Rad and Mong... Tried to sing some song that I didn't even know at all, and screwed it up entirely. Was kinda fun though. Unfortunately, I can't think of why they're suddenly thinking of doing a song again. Sheesh I thought it was a phase they left behind after Year 3 or 4. Apparently not.

Tonight I shall pig out on everything my storage has to offer. Seriously. I shall attempt to eat 6 months of provisions in a single night. This shall go down in the World Book of Records. It'll be nice to show my kids a world record at age 17. hmm

I don't understand why they have to play a song that they barely even know. But I guess it's their song, and Aaron seems to like it alot. Some Face Down and Dammit. So yeah, naturally, all screamy kind of songs, and so lesser, much lesser people to try to even sing it.

Johno's pissed at me. I think. I hope I die on the plane. Then he'll feel guilty. Wait. That'll be bad. Maybe I should take that out. Hmm. Decided to leave it in cause it shows how I feel about all this. Hmm. I feel evil now. See what Theo is capable of when he's mad. Haizz. It just shows how caught up with work everyone's been. Haizz. The world crumbles when you hate your best friend. Sort of hate him. zzz

I hope he never finds this blog. It's so embarrassing if he sees all this stuff about him. Hmph. Feeling slightly irritated le. I'm beginning to hate everyone in SLO. *feels beginnings of jealousy, shivers and climbs further away from those cold tendrils.*

Sigh. My life varies from being super duper ultra great and wonderful to being absolutely deep down in the pits.

I'm slacking

2008-05-21T16:42:00.001+08:00

But it's not fun at all... I should do an IR on the psychology of slacking or something. Might actually turn up something like with the hormones in the brains of slackers or something... hmm.

Anyways I have finished all exams, finished everything I have to do for SIMC, and I'm officially done with school. Thursday night is the night I'm going off, and with some luck maybe I'll die on the plane either there or back... Would be kind of exciting XD. Maybe kena hijacked, then I'll have an excuse to beat someone up and get rid of all the frustration...

It's veryvery boring here; everyone has something to do except me, and I'm just slacking in my room and wishing I could have something to do. I know exams are over and I should be like out and watching a movie or stuff, but somehow... There just isn't that spirit anymore. School doesn't give me the drive to go out and slack any longer.

I remember in Temasek, we would always go out to Tampinese mall or the Econ minimart after school. It was like school was this really long stressful time where we needed to "get away" from it all by going out to Mac's to waste time till 5 or 6pm. That's not the life I know here now. Everyone mugs so hard for their exams, for 2 months or more, then when finally everything is over (for me at least, there's still relativity exam for physics majors), we can't go out and just have fun at the park, or waste time at Mac's, or play card games in school under the constant threat or being caught, or having to play UNO instead when a teacher finally confiscates poker cards, or ponning school just to spend some time with your best friends... I think there's alot of things in there to cover in this post, as illustrated in there. But it all boils down to the fact that I've definitely lost a huge part of my life and definitely my childhood in coming to this school.

Firstly, we'll start with the 2 month++ exam period. Yup, 2 months and more, and for some of the cohort, still counting. I don't even know if the teachers have figured out that it's really stressful to have a 2 month exam period. It's not the studying, or the amount of sheer mugging you actually do, it's the feeling of having something creeping up on you, coming closer everytime, and that you have no power to stop or even slow down. It's the stress of having to live everyday knowing that there are more exams and more hurdles, and eventually more and more stress just waiting to pass you by. I know I may look really slack in school, (like I barely studied) but still, like I said, the stress comes not from studying but from knowing that you still have exams.

Maybe it's because of the AP exams. Maybe this is like, a once off kind of thing. Whatever it is, it's totally killing the whole level. We haven't had a true break after our exams, and they sign us all up for the Singapore International Mathematics Competition (SIMC). I just completed my jobs though, all I had to do was be a stationmaster in their stupid Amazing Race, and camp at Suntec City from 2pm to 7pm or so... That was all yesterday. Wasting time, as usual. Held multiple observatory tours yesterday and today morning. More wastage of time and energy. No one even turned up today. Stupid VIPs...

I'll rather be a student liaison officer... At least you get to do stuff with friends. Almost everyone in the cohort was in SLO... It's the job that you have to work the most, but I don't mind when we can do it with friends. Now I'm just alone in the hostel; once again, wasting time. And everyone says that I have it good. I say I'll trade my job up with anyone, and then you'll see how great it is.

We obviously have our lives sort of pinioned by the hostel program... Not only that, we all live so far from everyone else that it's so difficult to arrange many things. We can't go out much, we can barely have the time to go to the park and play. It's just not fun anymore. And everyone's like drifting away from each other because there's no way we have the energy or time to even hang out and just BE with each other. No one really cares anymore; I think Aaron's like angry with me or something, he barely talks anymore; wither that or he's just really tired and busy. And Johno and Conrad both have SLO stuff to do, together with the rest of the level... While I'm like stuck here. It's a totally nice life.

I remember part of the fun of post-exam period wasn't just the activities or the leeways that the teachers allowed us; we used to play card games after exams, and part of the fun was knowing that it was illegal and stuff, and hiding them away when teachers popped in or walked by. Now everything is kinda lax; card games have OFFICIALLY been allowed in the school canteen; which sort of takes the fun out of them. Maybe it's true, fun is usually dangerous... But likewise, in hostel rooms, we're allowed to play cards like anytime we like, and suddenly it's gotten quite boring to play cards. It's just something weird to take note of.

Mr Ng's leaving too. Great, right? So now we're left with Mr Toh as our mentor. He's our Chinese teacher! *faints*. That's going to be a really fun 1-and-a-half years ahead. Haizz

Anyways, even at night, no one really bothers to go hang out anymore. It's like the only time where everyone is free and stuff; but no one bothers to care. They all just stay in their rooms, which make me stay in MY room which makes life boring. I wonder what would happen if I died during the holidays. Would everyone wake up or something? Maybe they would finally realize how stupid they've been to mug and stress out until they forgot that studies aren't the only thing in life. Haizz.

There's no hope left for me; I'll survive the rest of this day, survive Rio Tinto tomorrow, then tomorrow night I'll be catching a plane to Melbourne. I wonder wheres Wool-longgong. Would be cool to check out the sheep there. And see if Dr Yong's really cool accent equally affects the rest of the Australian population. Well. We'll see. I guess. One more night to survive, and then hopefully all of this goes away. *goes back to staring at ceiling*

Sometimes it's great to be home

2008-04-30T23:13:00.001+08:00

With the request for air-con approved (mostly by my di's pleading) and said di to sleep beside me tonight... Just great. Theo hopes everyday could be like this one. Unfortunately, no. The universe loves to screw up our lives.

It's like 11 pm now, and I'm finally home, after stealing back my keyboard from our dear Raddy... Just went out for dinner, then went to collect things from hostel and car-red straight home. Ate about 3/4 of a bar of chocolate on the way back. Shared it with didi... Feeling high now XD. And kinda sleepy too.

Wish I could have pazza. There's pizza at the hostel tonight, it's some celebration thing. Went to ask a few people to kope one pizza and freeze it for me. *Hopes everyone of them will steal a pizza then tomorrow evening I can have like 4 pizzas to eat XD*

I wonder what are they celebrating. There's even a movie, but it's Lord of the Rings, so I'm not missing anything at all... Watched every one of the trilogy like 3 times over, I probably know the whole thing by heart. Almost.

ODAC was killer on the hands today. I almost got like 2 big blisters. Lucky it didn't get so far as that. Mikel (was it Mikel?) made us do 100m of wheelbarrowing, then 100m of some weird chain thingie where we had to all lie down in a row and the last person had to make a bridge over the 2nd last person and go down the line on hands and feet... And he almost had us do leopard crawls or some kind of crawl for another 100m, only we shot him down cause we could barely feel our hands and some of us were bleeding. So in the end we just ran to the track and then there was no time left cause I had to go off. I hope they didn't torture themselves too much... Or torture Johno... Or Eugene. O.o

Anyways sleep beckons. My di's already crawling onto the bed and curling up AND TAKING UP ALL THE SPACE!!!. AND THE BLANKET!!!! So I'm gonna go now. Hahas

How many ways are there to say pissed...

2008-04-29T22:51:00.000+08:00

And how many other ways are there to say sad...

I was extremely bored in Chem AP prep today, so spent time writing on Lennard's hand. Wrote some weird stuff, and a poem that I crapped out while thinking of words to rhyme with Len.

Anyways it's kinda bo liao, but I guess I can put it here:

On the Depravity of the World

Len

Has his pen

In ten men

Who pay yen.

While Ben

In his den

Achieves Zen

Watching Len.

Told you it's lame. We were really bored in Chem, and when Theo get's bored... Well these sort of things happen.

I realised I haven't blogged alot, and only now do I see my tagboard filling up... I post one post on BaoZi's blog and look what happens. Suddenly I have people tagging me (again) and I have 44 view here according to the tracker thing. Nice -.-

I am going to surprise myself by talking about Maple. WOW. I'm lvl 107 (WOW-er) and I'm thinking of starting to play a private server. Yeah. I can't believe myself.

Anyways there are more important things happening right now, and people just don't understand that. Sometimes it feels like they don't even bother. I don't really care anymore. I think I've totally given up on Chemistry AP and everything else school related, everytime I look at the AP preps I just feel that I should be enjoying myself more. I seriously don't know what's happening; I keep thinking of just enjoying my last few days here or stuff... I'm starting to have really weird dreams about not living life to the fullest, and I seem to keep thinking about enjoying my life and friends more. I feel like I'm dying. Like seriously. It's not a bad feeling, and sometime I get really emo over it, but most of the time I get this detached feeling, especially about school and the programs that everyone seems to force on us. And I don't know; maybe God's saying I'll like die on the Melbourne trip or something... It's quite seriously weird.

I don't feel bad or anything, but I do think I can enjoy myself abit more... That's partly one of the reasons why I brought an xbox over, sheesh. I can't believe I actually did that, but anyways... And no one wants to play with me now. It always seems to be that way... I seem to start trends, cause now everyone's playing Halo on the com... but I don't get to be in them. And then there's nothing I can do to stop everyone from doing that. It's so completely retarded.

My keyboard has been kidnapped by a certain Mr Koh, by the way... Can't type properly. Waiting for keyboard to return to me. COME BACK HERE!! D:

Saw someone I hate. Hmph. Going to bed straight after roll call. Gah...

There's no comfort anywhere

2008-04-15T20:50:00.001+08:00

At all. And no one understands at all... I feel like totally giving up; for everything this world has to offer, it's ten times better somewhere else. I'm not happy at all here; people here just don't seem to be human enough to understand how I feel. I'm the only one still sane here, and everyone is just too busy or really can't be bothered to do or say anything that helps. Everyone thinks only about themselves; not about the people around them. Why did God create a world and let it get as bad as this... People say the worst things possible and think that it's all right, and they can't be bothered how anyone else is feeling...at all.

It's a great thing the world is going to end soon. Come Lord Jesus. And do it quickly. The world is waiting.

I haven't blogged... in a long time XD

2008-04-10T21:36:00.001+08:00

Yupps, I haven't blogged in a long time... Haha.

It's been ok I guess, but now we're in the midst of exams, which I'm so totally going to fail... Cause I haven't started studying and my lit and English papers are well over already. And I'm supposed to be studying and Johno's next to me making me feel like a veryvery bad boy.... For not studying... he's so evil la. mug for chemistry somemore. hmph.

Kor's not talking to me or something he's so busy mugging for stuff like maths or chem or bio... who knows la, I go inside he just scold me only, make me feel sad... Everyone like too busy with exams to care about me liao. Sad, no? My own kor lehh... lols. But I guess he thinks he's setting a good example or something. Still... I wish he had more time for me...

Listening to very random assortment of songs from my library. Slacking all the while. I'm seriously gonna fail the two exams tomorrow. Math and Chem. Then Chinese on Monday, free on Tuesday, Bio on Wednesday, and I'm free for another month or so... until organic chemistry catches up with me, and AP chem. But that's later. Much later.

When You Believe lyrics
Many nights we've prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood
Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains
Long before we knew we could

[Chorus:]
There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe

In this time of fear
When prayer so often proves in vain
Hope seemed like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away
Yet now I'm standing here
My heart's so full, I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say

[Chorus]

They don't always happen when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fears
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see your way clear through the rain
A small, but still, resilient voice
Says help is very near

[Chorus]

One song that brought me through the darkness, and was my light when all other lights went out.

Now I'm bored again. At least study time's over. HAHA.

I can't stand hostel

2008-04-03T18:45:00.001+08:00

It's a sign how dysfunctional our society has become when you need to waste your life to sign up to use a gym. Which isn't even very well stocked or something.

Seriously, and what's more there's the stupidest gym leader or whatever. This hostel is screwed; every leadership position here is taken up by really retarded and inflexible people. All we did was walk up to him and ask him if this was the gym orientation. And that bloody idiot dissed us off and told us to come back after saying: "Have you looked at what you're supposed to do?" Bloody hell. What's wrong with explaining that you need to come with a towel and in P.E attire? And that rule was only implemented today, it obviously wasn't there when Ryan or whoever else went for their orientation. What's more it was hidden behind the giant notice board which, by the way, is used for some useless score tallying for games. Who would have even seen it in the first place? And that idiot can come with that supercilious tone and try to lecture us as if we did something wrong. Seriously these sort of people don't deserve to be in any leadership position whatsoever.

He could have simply told us that we're supposed to bring along P.E stuff and our forms... No one before us had to do that, and there definitely wasn't any announcement to say otherwise. But nooo...these people think we're psychic and we're supposed to bow down to their wishes and grovel to their wishy-washy demands.

The only problem is, the hostel has a rowing machine. Which I'm desperate to use. And what's more, our batch was the one who asked for the gym. I don't see why we suddenly have some completely useless outsider who has no affiliation to the school to boss us around and be lording it with a high-and-mighty air. If it was anyone else I would be all right with it, like Derek Foo or Mr Wong, but I think putting some of these "act only" people in charge of anything will spell disaster. Just because they're older definitely doesn't mean that they're wiser than us, and should be in charge. I mean for people like Anna or something it's natural she should be in charge, but they seem to put really horrible people in leadership stuff just to spite us. Stupid people who find fault miniscule differences in the night's signature, or just can't see the reason behind the rules. Then they follow rules to the letter and can't make small compromises when they're needed, and moan about how bad we are at following instructions when we don't even know about the newest change in them.

These people just have a god-dysfunctional personality and they think we're gonna be like little kids who're just going to stand by and watch their life being destroyed. I'm sick of this whole fiasco, and one day I just hope that people like that just go live their own life somewhere else. I hate people who just see fit to place them selves over others and not care about others, then abuse their power just because they have claim to it. Shouldn't those people leading us be one of us? They don't even know who we are; we're the ones who live in the bloody school. You're just a tenant that stays in our school, and I don't see why I have to bow and scrape to your ever-changing wishes, which are, more often than not, totally unreasonable.

So there.

Btw... Forgot a song...

2008-03-31T21:55:00.001+08:00

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move, I'm shakin off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years

Steady hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh

Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need

Oh, can you see what I see
They're tryin to come back, all my senses push
Un-tie the weight bags, I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
But something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh

Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need

What you need, what you need...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Oh, do you see what I see...

Bye Alain...

2008-03-31T21:43:00.001+08:00

We say goodbye to a dear friend today... Like probably forever... To some random place in Sydney. For study. And he's probably gonna come back like only once a year.

It was like I left again; something which I should never have done at all. Now I know how bad it feels to abandon anyone... I can't understand how I managed to do that in Sec2... How could I hurt all my friends like this... And all the girls cried and that set me off again... retarded, but I guess I've been bottling so much emotion inside me so far that it just had to come out somehow, and this was the best way to do it I guess...

And there wasn't like much fanfare or something, we spent some time at the food court and like chitchat, then I wanted to eat but had a shock when I saw the prices... Like 7 bucks or something for a plate of chicken rice. Seriously overpriced. So we dilly-dallied until around 7pm, then we walked Alain up to the departure gate... which started everyone taking a slew of photos and giving him gifts and stuff like that. Then we cried and stuff then Boon gave him a shirt which didn't have my pic on it, zzz I guess serves me right for not going out with them at all... stupid school.

I really can't say much more... We just stood there like idiots watching him wave and go off through immigration, then he disappeared. Forever. And we just stood there and kept crying and watching until Hui Ting said that she forgot to ask him to buy duty-free alcohol for her... then everyone laughed and cried at the same time...

I miss them so much. And the only time I see them is when someone decides to leave forever. It's so retarded. I feel really bad. And I sincerely hope that sponge and Daryl and Hoyin never do that to me too... Or just die on my watch, cause that's even worse too. O.o

I gotta go now... before I start crying again. And like flooding the room... These are the times when you really need a friend, and I thank God that there's sponge and Johno in my life... Yeah thanks God! Hahas...

Back!!

2008-03-29T11:32:00.001+08:00

There goes the frantic week of handing up tons of homework and other rushy stuff like that... Finally behind me; now to concentrate on the final week of rushing stuff, cause yup, theres one more week of homework handing in before, hooray, its exams! Zzz much...

Finally finish and over and done with English academic report. Waste of my time, really, it had no head or tail, then I just crapped my way through everything. So I'm just going to get a really low grade for it, but I guess it's quite good for rushing it through with alot of other homework to do...

Feeling sad now... Ryan's leaving earlier, like 12:45... And I'm left all alone.. as usual.

I may not make it through the night man... sometimes I feel like this is all so stupid and all... I think I'm falling apart totally, and soon I'm going to go nuts... I wanted to feel so much that now I'm feeling too much; I think I'm like suffering under just my feelings... I feel like I just want to sleep forever and not wake up cause if I do , I'm just going to be plagued by too many feelings that I can't handle... And I'm avoiding company and other people because I'm scared of feeling too much for them... And I can't stand it any longer liao, it's really too much to handle and I'm not built for this, no one is...

And it's already hard for me to do stuff with other people, cause it's like the reason why I don't play many sports; I'm way too aggressive when I play, and I don't want to hurt anyone. I hate tennis I hate floorball, and the reason why I never play basketball and netball and stuff like that isn't cause I'm no good at it, but it's cause I'm too aggressive. It's the same when I play frisbee or basically any other competitive game; that's why I don't even play anymore. I cut myself off from these...bonding stuff cause I can't hurt anyone anymore, again.

But that's totally not helping here, I'm not the type of person who gathers like a huge bunch of followers around me and always has company, and because what friends I have always play these sort of things that I just can't play, and when I'm asked to play with them I can't and I have to fake a reason... I think I'm losing them... And I don't know what to do at all, cause it's not something I can control or fight... Whenever I play a game someone gets hurt and I can't bear to see that happen again. Ever. And even if it means pushing some people away from me... It has to be done. I'm just not safe at all, at least in games that require teamwork and stuff...

Now you know why I love canoeing so much. There's the team spirit in it, but there's no way I can develop enough aggression to go hurt somebody... And that's also the reason why I joined ODAC too. However, I absolutely hate the people inside ODAC, of all things, why does the stupid idiot have to be inside??!! I think he's damn sickening, he's always so manipulative to be with johno, what's his problem man... I think he's one of the worst people in the whole school, can't he just be normal? The freaking asshole doesn't know when to back down at all. One day he's going to learn it the hard way and he'll find that no one is going to help him then. Serves him right I think. I think even the shaoyang and khanh are about ten times better than him; at least they know not to interfere and they're normal people. They're irritating but they're still decent. Know your own limits and when to shut up and be quite and when to participate and I think most people will label you as being a decent person... But never attempt to manipulate people so obviously and openly, first it's disgusting and secondly I think people like that are so full of bullshit. A team is a team, and rules are rules, you don't have to fight over it or over a person at all. It's all the same any way you look at it, but you can spare to many people so much irritation and pain and anger... I'm starting not to like ODAC anymore... Why can't he like break a leg or something and just not be able to come for CCA at all... This kind of people simply don't deserve to be in such a great team-like CCA as ODAC la...

I'm quite sick of this school liao. Only a few things left to look forward to, and people expect me to fully pull through. Let's see, shall we?

I'm so screwed up

2008-03-24T23:06:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I'm so happy and other times, I'm just this dead person who doesn't have an interest in life around me... Like now.

I realized I need someone to really like understand me and stuff... But people in this school are too busy with their work and stuff I guess, and it's not really fair to ask them to give that up just for me...

I really miss Temasek now... I'm just screwed up that way I guess. Sometimes I can think back on it and just feel really happy that I've actually been there in the first place, but sometimes I really feel like I did something really stupid when I left it for this place. There, I always had someone to care about me, and though I wasn't like what you could say "popular", I think I had the perfect set of friends. Friends who like stuck together and joked together and bitched together and were always there when I needed them. And I hope I was every bit as good to them as they were to me. Cause in the end, I think we'll be remembered for our friendships and our relationships, not by our academic results or financial situations.

Because if one is solely concerned with simply getting good grades and earning money, you would get friends, no doubt, but I feel that there's always that aura of suspicion over that sort of friendship; the mentality of: "Is he just befriending me because of my grades/money/power?"

Whereas if friendships are built from the foundation up, if there is nothing to like about a person and one can still be friends with him; well, it just shows that that is a true friend indeed. And I really had that in Temasek. The guys really knew how to make me feel better, no matter what, and frankly I only remember a few times when I was unhappy and emo-ing, and those were for really good reasons, like when I got 2nd in English by half a mark, or when I quarreled with someone or stupid stuff like that. Now it looks like every night I'm feeling depressed... and I can't help but feel like no one notices or even cares. Only Johno seems to notice, and I gotta thank him for that Saturday when I think he sat by me until I fell asleep... On Conrad's bed. LOL.

I guess the reason why I'm feeling really depressed now is because I totally didn't understand anything in the AP chemistry lesson just now. Normally this wouldn't affect me though... hmm.

Thinking back, I think it was more of the total unfairness that some people would be getting their Internet cut at twelve just because they are "academically at risk". What bull is that. If they could get rid of the ridiculous English Monday lessons, I'm sure we would all be out of "risk". You force stuff on us, and when we can't cope, you "help" us by removing more relaxing time. Retards.

And also for the four people who now are banned from returning to hostel before 1pm. I think that's really unfair; firstly, it's not their fault, and secondly, I don't think it's going to solve the problem. If they would get rid of superfluous night lessons, and ridiculous English remedial and retarded stuff like that, I'm sure that we could catch up on more than enough sleep. It's these "let's help them students without them knowing! And lets not care about what they think, it's just good for them!" attitudes that really make me want to beat the shit out of them. Can't we have a say in our lives right now? It's like the only chance that we, as a whole level for once get to enjoy a stay together and you just have to purposely spoil it.

Enough about these people. I'm going to sleep.

On top of the world

2008-03-13T10:22:00.001+08:00

Look up, the stars are fading
And I am still here waiting
To see you again
Be with you my friend

When the moon is gone forever
I hope you're up there somewhere
I'll see you again
Be with you my friend
'Cause all the roads they lead to where you are
And all the streetlights shine like they were stars
That's where you are

Let's spend tonight on top of the world
And we can do anything,
We can be anything
I'll meet you tonight on top of the world
As real as it seems,
You're only in my dreams

Look out across the water
Faces of lonely daughters and mothers who care
But just can't be there
Swear that I will see you someday
I have to find a way
To show you I care
Even if you're not there

So I'm following the road to where you are
(Meet you tonight on top of)
The streetlights they will guide me to the stars
That's where you are

Let's spend tonight on top of the world
And we can do anything,
We can be anything
I'll meet you tonight on top of the world
As real as it seems,
You're only in my dreams

My heart is empty without you
Sometimes you don't know what you do
And I need you tonight
I'll fall asleep and it's alright
Close my eyes and I'll be by your side

Let's spend tonight on top of the world
And we can do anything,
We can be anything
I'll meet you tonight on top of the world
As real as it seems,
You're only in my dreams

Let's spend tonight on top of the world
(On top of the world)
As real as it seems,
You're only in my dreams

It's quite sad, I think so... But that's how I feel about Temasek. I miss it so much, with all the people that I've abandoned there... But I also know that what's done cannot be undone, and I don't think I'm the type to sit back and moan about whether I should have stayed or not. Now that everyone's graduated, I don't have a reason not to put my best for this school I'm in. Even though I may never fully appreciate it until I've left it, I think my loyalty now belongs both ways; just like one can have more than one best friend, I'm going to be loyal to both schools, and put my best here as I had put my best there.

Also, I forgot to say here that on 10th of March was korkor's birthday! hahas Happy birthday kor! And on the 20th of March is gonna be wz korkor's birthday. And though it's next Thursday I'm gonna say it here cause if not I'll probably forget then. Happy Birthday to both my kor's!! hahas.

And yup this has been sitting in my writer for about 2-3 days liao, so I'm gonna post it now XD

Cabalsea

2008-03-10T22:46:00.001+08:00

It's not a bad game, but it kind of reminds me of almost every other game I've played... But's it's nice though.

So this ends my one day of fun and total relaxation; tomorrow I'm going to start doing homework so it doesn't start piling up on the first week of school... Then gotta get started on bio stuff liao. It's ok though, it's kind of fun still, though I really have to study this year.

I hope no one else has found this blog, I'm starting to enjoy having somewhere to write about in private...

I finished the books from the library... That feeling still hasn't worn off yet! So maybe it really is something... O.O anyway, now I'm addicted to Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. Listening to it like so much.

Today's korkor's birthday, so happy birthday to him!! hahas... I really love you ok kor? don't be so stressed about her bah kor. One day... Just wait.

Ook I'm gonna go sleep liao, really suffering from aches and tiredness.

Talk about starting off on the wrong foot...

2008-03-09T22:49:00.001+08:00

Today was kinda a bad day. Had a Bad Dream last night, and now I'm not really looking forward to going to sleep. Hmph. It's kind of scary now when I think back on it; I can' quite remember it now I've managed to put a whole eventful day between it and me, but still...

It was like there was a war going on, and everywhere I looked there were signs of destruction and like, old-ness. Every building was kind of grayed-out and sort of sepia toned; it had the general appearance of being old and crumbling, like those old movies of war heroes and stuff. I remember walking down this little alley and stuff, and bombs or something were falling all around. And I remember, in the dream, thinking that my di and my kor and Johno were dead, like remembering them; then I was walking with this old man who sort of looked like Santa Claus without the fatness and the clothes; he was like in the tweed jacket, stooped, but had the white hair and beard and stuff around his face.

And after I remembered them dead (you know like thinking back on the times when they were still alive and stuff, as if they were really, already dead o.O), I was in this room with that old guy, which now I think of it, looked really old and wise, but not tired or anything, he just had the appearance of being old and stuff. And I remember being afraid of something, maybe like being afraid to die or something, but then there was this voice which asked: "What are you afraid of?".

And I remember the old man suddenly gathering me in his arms and saying: "He's not afraid to die, are you?" And I distinctly remember saying back: "Dying? That's not what I was afraid of. I was just afraid of more of my friends dying." And I remember in my dream I almost started to cry and stuff, I was so scared...

But I also realised that I was sad only for kor and my di, (who was dead already apparently), and I remember thinking in my dream that "I'll be seeing Johno soon", and I remember in my dream I smiled at that thought... And I also remember someone saying that I should start saving them, one by one, or something like that, or maybe I said it myself... All I remember now is that I was determined not to let any of them die, as in die unbelievers. That part hit me the strongest, and I knew I couldn't just stand by and not tell my friends about God and just watch them die like that. I couldn't imagine dying later, then meeting them face to face and having them ask me why I never bothered to tell them about the gospel and stuff... It's really scary.

And that spurred me to borrow something from the church library this morning; two books on the "Left Behind" series, the last two of that particular series. I finished reading one already, and I'm going to read the other tomorrow. I can't help but feel that God or at least something led me to this; my greatest fear all my life was losing someone that I love; anyone, actually, that I love, forever, like not telling them about the gospel and they having to go through eternal death and hell and all that... It would be nice to know if everyone was already a Christian, but now I can't stand the fact that if anyone dies, chances are that it would be a non-Christian, and I'll feel really responsible if I don't start telling people about Jesus.

It's still really weird writing about God and stuff here on my blog, especially now that others know about it; its definitely easier than going out and spreading the gospel, but I guess I have to do it someday, and I hope someday soon. It's so weird just talking about it, but I know I'm going to do it, no matter what. And maybe this is just the beginning of the teaching that's coming. For who knows the mind of God?

Anyway for those who read my blog, don't spread it around (at all!!!) cause I think I wrote some sensitive things which may hurt some people (namely Johno and Conrad), and I don't want that. So keep it low, and I'll release it in my own time. Haha.

I'm going to sleep now, not really excited about what may come (or maybe I'm just paranoid) in my dreams... But I'll manage it I guess. Nites, and this is Theo wishing everyone who reads this happy holidays!

Let it go. Let it roll right off your shoulders.

2008-03-07T00:21:00.001+08:00

That's a line from Little Wonders, a song by Rob Thomas. Yeah. Just a thought to someone who's undergoing a lot of stress in the past few days. I mean, it's quite obvious to see, what with SLI and all the council stuff... And nope, its not Johno...

It's our new council president, Zhongming. Yup, we know how much you've tried to put in for everything you do for the school, but you have to understand, it's not you we're still mad at. It's more like, the attitude the council has, and inadvertently the school has. The fact that the various boards are acting up against each other is bad enough; now the total lack of school unity, good management and the sheer disorganization of the council and school is putting everyone off. It's not your fault; we just hope that with a new head, things can finally be better, and we can move ahead to become a "higher-class" school. I mean, just look at today's SLI; sad as it is to say, it's quite badly done, from rehearsals, to choice of theme, to the presentation of the final event itself.

Now, there are quite simple ways to give our dearest school a new lease of life, in an effort to kick-start a new order of business that should and would probably last for as long as the school. Be very careful what you do, Zhongming; any traditions, rules or even ways of doing things will probably be held for a long time.

Firstly, you MUST get rid of the notion that the council can and will do everything, or even as much as they can for the school. The purpose of having different boards in the school is not so there can be as many student leaders as possible; it is to have each board and eventually each student specialize in a different area of leadership. In the case of the council, they are still labouring under the notion that they can and should take on every event that occurs in the school. This is a relic from ancient times; though this worked 3 years ago, when there were only 2 levels in the school, it is NOT going to apply now. There comes a time when everyone has to grow up, and leave some things behind. NOW is the time for the council to do just that. NOW is the time to make changes, to clearly define the roles of the various boards, societies, and ambassadors in the school. Take action now, Zhongming, or you might just find that it is too late to do so. The only way forward is the way through the youth; you MUST change this mindset before the younger councillors catch it, and spread it in turn to their younger councillors. Trust me when I say there is very little time; in your words, STEP UP NOW; you do NOT want this attitude to continue on in future incarnations of the council.

Therefore, you should redefine the role of the council ASAP; in most other schools, the council prides itself on being the link to other schools, to, in effect, be the ambassadors of the school. It is not an easy job; events like SLI or random symposiums held by the school are hosted by the council. Here, do not worry that the school body will think that you are not doing anything for them. Just because the council does not actively and obviously give benefits and advantages to you should not be sufficient reason to label them as "useless". Even so, remember what is the definition of a leader; he is, in essence, a servant. And, unfortunately, servants do not always get recognition, or even appreciation for their efforts. Take it in your stride; even though the student body may mock and jeer at you, there are always some who will see past the "obvious" useless-ness, and appreciate you all the same. Live for these people. These are the ones that truly see; do not succumb to random insults by people who cannot even see deeper than face value.

Since most schools already have this system of the council being "ambassadors of the school" working, it would be good to model them. Train up your councillors to excel in hosting coat-and-tie events; investitures, symposiums, school opening ceremony, formal concerts, etc; in effect, things that have to be done in a very strict and formal way, or if parents or the public are involved. Councillors are the face of the school; any other councillors that visit our school immediately look to a councillor to judge the standard of the school. Be the best councillors you can be; train your councillors in all the ways to be formal and smart and how-to-public-speak. This is the school's image; with all images, it might be fake, but it definitely has to look good.

The next step would probably be to work with the president of the PSL's, to once again redefine their roles. Now, this might be a problem, as you are only the president of the student council. Yet, it is crucial that the problem must be solved both ways, with the minimum of delays. Therefore, you have to talk to the PSL's. The only thing important is that the rivalry between them, imagined or not, must be dispelled. Now, it is probably easier this year, as I think May Fong is president? She will be open to any discussion; frankly, I think everyone is sick with the way the council and the PSL's compete for events.

PSL's, as their name suggests, support their peers. they provide the foundation on which the school body places its spirit and soul; they lead classes on their orientation, and should be specializing in, (yes, I'm going to say it), encouraging the heart. That is the true strength of the PSL's; usually made up of more popular people, their job is to handle internal events such as 2+2 day, Games Day and Orientation. They can sometimes provide the workforce for some events, like manpower for slightly more informal fund-raising concerts. (for your information, the concert by Ms Flo is informal, while Pianissimo and other parent-related events are usually very, very formal. o.O) I can't really think up of more events like this, but I think you get the picture; PSL's concentrate more on the informal, school-based internal activities, while the council should turn its focus outward. No one wants to come to a formal event, and be greeted by (frankly) informal looking ambassadors of the school. Imagine if Mitchell was the MC for today's SLI; he would provide a lot of laughs, but that isn't what's needed in a formal Investiture. Yet he excels in being the MC or whatever for the Pirates of the Clementi thing. (which I think is kind of lame, but still, I guess they need stuff to do, and we need to relax every now and then)

It is the balance between the PSL's and the council that will define how well the school spirit runs; if every formal event is strictly held "formal" by the presence of the councillors, the school will naturally bend to make sure that every time there is a formal event, they behave themselves. On the flip side of the coin, internal events are meant to be slightly more relaxed, and we can afford to have more clowns like Mitchell on stage, because that will spur the rest of the school to let their hair down too.

I think this is very important; the school, or mainly the younger levels do not seem to have the discipline to behave during formal events; for example, when Reico was making his speech this morning and said "faces" or something wrongly, the year 3s and 4s repeated it and started laughing. I think this is very rude; it's an honest mistake, and don't they realize that this would make him nervous, and probably stumble more? Truly enough, in the next few lines he made a few more speech-related blunders. I think you yourself should know; you just made a speech up there today, and I don't think people laughing at your blunders is going to help your confidence a lot. Now, this might be excused if it was just anyone or even a teacher addressing the school; however, it happens even when a "distinguished speaker" comes to speak. This may be because the school has no model of how to behave when in a formal setting. Thus, the councillors, being role models for the rest of the school, should be setting an example.

Now, I am not saying that you guys are not setting a good example or anything; just that you should be more focused in doing so. The council should train itself in the ways to carry itself in everyday events. I am also not saying that it is the councillors fault, or your fault. I just feel that as head honcho, you have to take the lead in making changes (I'm not just saying that -_-), cause everyone is just waiting for you to make your first move as president.

Now, in my old school, all we had left were the class reps/CCA leaders and the sports captains; their roles were basically described in their names, with the sports captains basically putting their all into cross-country and Sports Day, while the class-reps/CCA leaders were... well they had a nice badge, and took good care of their classes or CCA's. However, our school has the irritating habit of creating some rather dubious leadership boards with obscure purposes which should have belonged in my land of smoketitude.

So, we see the creation of boards such as NEA's, Interactors, Music Ambassadors, House Captains, CCA leaders, and most recently, rumours of yet another board, the Sports Ambassadors. Now, its no problem to have everyone in the school as student leaders; the problem only comes in when everyone tries to lead the same thing at the same time. Now each of these boards should be defined clearly, and any venturing out of their so-called "domain" should be strongly discouraged, and should only be done under unanimous vote.

Anyway, it's your decision whether to implement these changes or not; you ARE the president of the student council. Take it one step at a time; things usually turn out better that way, and you'll definitely feel more relaxed. Whatever it is, just know we're waiting for you to make your first move, and remember that irregardless of how the rest of the school thinks, the Year 5s will probably support the only male councillor who bothered to step up in year 3.

Don't worry; personally I believe (and hope) that this year there will be some changes, especially in the school leadership structure. If the school is to go far, it has to have a good leadership framework, and it starts with YOU. So no pressure!

I realized after I wrote all that it was really like a letter to Zhongming, so I think I'll let him see the blog. I mean, what harm could be done (I hope) by doing that? Hmm... he's not online, so I'll send an offline message later.

Anyway if you do read this, remember that there are some people who you can still talk to; this level may have lost its fangs, but there's still poison behind these gums. And if there's one person who still stands up and fights, I don't think that the enemy has truly won the war.

P.S.: I started writing this at 8.21pm and I posted this at 12.20am or thereabouts. Wow.

SSEF!!

2008-03-06T11:44:00.001+08:00

I still have a few minutes before chinese at 12nn, so I came here to blog abit...

just went through the most retarded and most time-wasting ceremony of my life: SLI. bah. rehearsal for around 5 to 6 times, and you spend like a minute on stage. the whole thing is meaningless anyways.

Going to Science Center later after cheena, around 1.30pm? SSEF hahas, apparently ada and sam and derek are all there, so i guess i'll see them afterwards XD. Maybe alan too lol... Anyways I hope its more fun then i expect it to be; i cant stand standing around and waiting for things to happen, unless im really tired and stuff...

Ook I better sign off before im late for cheena o.O

Retarded stuff

2008-03-06T00:07:00.001+08:00

Ok firstly, I just deleted the whole post so im gonna have to write it out again.

anyways I was complaining about how conrad seems so much more condescending and like showing so much attitude nowadays. Hes like being so pai kia-ish, and I think hes totally learning it from Ding. I mean, he's like stopped trying to be nice and stuff, and is instead trying to stir up trouble; hes like ridiculing teachers, and showing so much attitude. He's even like talking back to me when i talk to him, like in Lit, he's like trying to be as argumentative as possible whenever i ask questions or stuff. I didn't know whether I should have put all of this here the first time i wrote this, but i guess im ok with that now. Even in maths, hes like so great and so smart now, that hes forgotten that he was one of us. I mean, he acts as if we're all some stupid kids who don't know how to do math, or even Lit... and I feel that thats not imitating Christ at all, and I think that should be the number one priority in our lives.

Not that I'm so great at obeying God and stuff like that, but I feel that hes totally not trying anymore, and hes just living life as if there was no God at all.

Johno's another one; hes recently taken to breaking rules almost blatantly, and hes a councillor. I mean, I expected a councillor to at least be an upholder of the school rules, but johno's like always late for stuff, or he goes out of school early and gets others to follow, or pulls open hostel gates when there's a perfectly good card to tap open, or even when he could have like waited for someone to help him open the door... then he scolds and snaps at me for telling him that we could have just waited or something like that. And both of them are like ignoring me, or holding me in contempt. Its like, sometimes im talking to them, and some idiot comes in and interrupts, and they just treat me as if im invisible, and they carry on talking like i just evaporated or something...

It's really irritating; i mean i would expect at least someone like johno, who's supposedly like so guai and stuff to at least try to obey rules and be nice and stuff like that, but its like they dont care about stuff anymore, even me. I'm feeling rather sad now so...

Ive decided to like pray for them every night for a whole seven days; like it has to be continuous for the week, and if i forget or dont do it one day, ill just restart the counting until i get seven days in a row. Im gonna pray for them to remember what it's like to imitate christ; I know its sounds like im really high and mighty, but im really trying not to, i just want them to not be so irritatingly... gahh. I know it now sonds like im sounding noble and stuff (and now im sounding like im trying to be humble... this is stupid), but seriously, i just want them to be better. I cant stand seeing any of my friends like suffering or floundering or just in a bad situation. I know i probably need more guidance and help from God than them (im probably gonna need help even getting the week of prayer done), but ill rather that they get it first.

One thing im very sure about is im going to CF tomorrow, come hell or high water. im serious. and i dont think ill be going up to mrs. wong's room with johno and conrad; it'll be so... I dont know, i guess i dont feel the same with them anymore. I'll probably go up with Mel.

I really dont noe what to do anymore; really sad about these things, but I'm just hoping God reads blogs, and can be bothered to actually answer my prayers. I'm gonna need all the help i can get, and all the support i can get. I guess im just feeling really pissed, cause the hostel has announced that there may be a fire drill, and it might be held outside office hours, like maybe at 3am!! Which is totally crazy, we dont get enough sleep already, why would they want to do this to us, and whats's more even if they ring it at 3am, im not going to go down if i can help it. It's ridiculous.

Another thing is the retarded cluster outing; we're going out to watch 10000 BC, during the weekends... stupid right. not only is it a great waste of time, it also serves no purpose at all. Haizz... i really dont know anymore, but the hostel people are getting really irritating.

anyways I tink I'm going to stop here, cause its really late, and im kinda pissed at having to think and write all this again, at top speed and stuff.... I still think the original copy was so much better, but hey, maybe its divine intervention, maybe God's trying to say that my old copy was just too emotional, or maybe i shouldn't use the auto save every minute... cause thats what i did, and just before the minute was up i pressed ctrl-a and some random letters accidentally, and so deleted everything... smart right hahas...

anyways, ill sign off here. dont even know who im going to let read this blog... hahas

Fear for courage, and death for life

2008-03-04T21:31:00.001+08:00

Let the borededness of theo continue from here on. took like seriously a super long time to set up this blog, and im still not very happy with it... but I think it'll do hahas...

I have been abandoned by everyone who went for chemistry, and li liang zi just knocked on my door to ask "where is wen hao?". tempted to say he ponned study time and is now in geylang, but... restrain...

instead said that hes probably at chemistry... like everyone else is. sianded la i had feeling that im the only one still up here, then saw vijay's door open. I tink it was him anyways.

the rest arent gonna be back until around 9 (it's 8:57 now lol), and I'm feeling really tired already. tomorrow theres chinese first thing in the morning (homework not done), then a nice break until English and Lit... which brings us to PE. Unfortunately. At least chanbara's over and done with, I hope never to see any of those instructors again. Really lame sport. Sorry.

However... hopefully we'll be able to skip PE tomorrow; not only is there some SLI thing from 4-6pm, but I gotta go take some new scopes at around 5pm. Maybe with a little bit of delaying and maybe crapping up some excuse about cleaning them and stuff like that, we can last until 6pm, totally skipping PE! Maybe and hopefully! XD

Ryan got rashes; zzz much, but he was really suffering that day... I think. Apparently he slept from 11am to 5pm, then slept at 8pm on the same night. So I have a feeling its quite serious... or maybe he's just tired, and catching up on sleep after a long time. LOL that would really be quite anti-climatic.

d/led stardust and watched it, watched all the POTC (pirates of the Caribbean) *intrusion! saw Ryan in a pink shirt. thought he was gonna go out or something; was gonna ask Josh to go over and ask him if he was going to go out to some gay bar in Geylang or something hahahas. I feel mean, but maybe that's great XD*

addicted to maroon 5's wont go home without you. abandoned by people going down to play Frisbee zzzz much

anyways i tink im gonna sleep liao; tiredness. I hope ryan gets better faster; he keeps saying hes fine but he still looks half dead. kor's birthday is also coming up; 10 march. I havent gotten him a birthday present though. He got me one slightly less than a year ago, a Bible thats in my room now XD. But i never got him anything, and I really think I should get something for him this year. So yeah hahas. Nites!